Let the light in

There was a moment, and I mean about 13 seconds, of sunshine the other day and it hit me like a bolt of lightning. My body reacted, I felt lifted and brighter in my chest, all before my mind knew what was going on. The realisation that a moment of sunshine could impact me so much was joyous and a reminder of the darkness.

I was surprised by my instant happiness to the light as I claim to quite like the winter season and the idea of wintering. A time to go inward, slow down and meander in the dark. Perhaps the combination of lockdown and the Scottish winter (limited daylight and wet for those who don’t know) has made this time of year particularly challenging.

In the cold, short days of winter, the darkness outside seems to correlate with a darkened mood within us; it’s an observation that goes back at least as far as Hippocrates.

According to Maya Kroth, darkness can affect us all, and in surprising ways. Science suggests that darkness can do all kinds of things to the human body and brain: It can make us more likely to lie and cheat, make mistakes at work, and even see things we don’t normally see.

 

“Darkness is like a mirror: It shows you what you don’t want to see.” -Anoula Sifonios

I have been researching different biological rhythms, otherwise known as chronobiology. It examines the effects of time on biological events and internal biological clocks.  Physically, without bright morning sunlight to reset it every day, your internal clock will increasingly run out of phase. For most people, that means they get up later and later.  This would explain why my 15 year old would rather wake up at 4pm than 8am.

The best part about the darkness is how it helps me look at the light.  Your internal clock gets activated when light coming in through the eye stimulates a part of the hypothalamus called the suprachiasmatic nucleus, which is responsible for controlling circadian rhythms. As all of the rhythms are part of chronobiology, it is no wonder how lightness and darkness effects us in so many ways.

 

Going even deeper than a good night’s sleep is understanding your own light.

What role can you play in creating, bringing and being the light?  I’m inspired by my best mate’s 2021 purpose: to bring the light and actively seek out opportunities to bring the light to challenges at work.  Knowing that you can create the light and even be the light —well, that is illuminative.

 

In these dark times, where can we find light?

From small adaptations like hygge (the Danish concept of intimate coziness and warmth), to seeking out opportunities at work to be the light, and even courageous acts from having an open, light heart. These acts and moments of light shine even brighter in these especially dark times. Trusting that we all can be a light in so many different ways is hugely comforting.

Here are some superb words about how to find light from darkness by Parker Palmer;

“Suffering breaks our hearts, but the heart can break in two different ways. There’s the brittle heart that breaks into shards, shattering the one who suffers as it explodes, and sometimes taking others down when it’s thrown like a grenade at the ostensible source of its pain. Then there’s the supple heart, the one that breaks open, not apart, the one that can grow into greater capacity for the many forms of love. Only the supple heart can hold suffering in a way that opens to new life.”

As always, I would love to hear from you.

Compete with yourself

There are two major types of social comparison: upward comparison, when people compare themselves to people who are better than they are, and downward comparison, when people compare themselves to those who are less proficient than they are. Both upward and downward comparisons have strengths and weaknesses and in some ways unavoidable; our minds want to quantify. Our minds want to rank and file and organise information and understand where we fit into the scheme of things.

I think if we can be more aware of how we are comparing ourselves, we can take back some control and use it to our advantage. There is no denying that we all do it, so if you tell yourself you don’t, then you’re kidding yourself. Comparison can also be a liar who says your best won’t ever be good enough. Especially in the world of Instagram realities, measuring your success through comparison is an easy way to feel unhappy.

The best way to stop comparison’s green monster from taking hold is to focus on your own path.  Use that comparison energy for your own life. You can learn to redirect the comparison to a past and a present self and keep the comparison within.

“We last longer if we compete against ourselves for the good of others instead of competing against others for the good of ourselves.”

—Simon Sinek

What are you doing today that you couldn’t have done five, three, or even one year ago?

We are always becoming more. Who you are today is a result of the decisions you made yesterday. We are always in a state of creation if we choose to be. And be sure to be kind to yourself. This is radical self motivation in the most nurturing way with positive self talk and behaviours. Ask yourself these questions if you need some prompting;

Celebrate other people’s successes

Through community we can expand our individual shared identities. We are separate AND one community, and through each other, we learn more about ourselves. Nurturing relationships can help us see our interior world in the larger context and a shared space can be a platform to lift off from and come back to when needed.

Let’s stop comparing ourselves to each other and start competing with ourselves and cheer on one another from the sidelines.

How do you compete with yourself? Would love to hear from you.

by Dani Trudeau

 

What We Think We Are Worthy Of

Our calling, work, conviction, purpose

Whatever you call it, is most often, a big part of our life and identity. There is tension between who I am without my work and living out my values and purpose.  I have learned to trust that when there is tension, I am on to something good.

I have to agree with Simon Sinek and his views that you only have one why, personally and professionally. You are who you are in all places and products. If you change your why in different places, you are living a lie somewhere. By knowing what you believe in and following your values, your actions will reflect your why. However, I am only speaking from my own experience and know that plenty of people do a job and find purpose elsewhere; I acknowledge a level of privilege this view has. On the other hand, I also know that far too many people fall into their work — thinking that it is separate from who they are and this can lead to unhappiness and being unwell.

I have been reading and rereading David Whyte’s book, The Three Marriages. Whyte is a poet and his writing is wonderful, which does mean it takes me twice as long to read his books. Each sentence is so beautifully crafted, I have to write it down, or find something to underline sentences with and often a paragraph sends me into an open field of swaying thoughts for 20 minutes or even days. For example, Whyte writes,

“We follow this constant internal seasonal round of living and dying throughout our lives, trying to understand what it is we need, what is coming to fruition and what we have to let go of.”

Whyte writes about love, work and self and articulates what I have been thinking in terms of the inadequate phrase, ‘the work/life balance’. He says,

“The current understanding of work-life balance is too simplistic. People find it hard to balance work with family, family with self, because it might not be a question of balance. Some other dynamic is in play, something to do with a very human attempt at happiness that does not quantify different parts of life and then set them against one another. We are collectively exhausted because of our inability to hold competing parts of ourselves together in a more integrated way.”

I love the idea that we should fall in love with work. Getting to know so many freelancers here at Tribe, I am lucky to see the wide variety of professions. People in love with adventure, the Gaelic language, the way light plays upon surfaces, or even turning their discomfort of otherness into a creative observer.

The last of the three marriages, is the marriage to self, the most difficult of the three. Whyte writes,

“This willingness to look at the transitory nature of existence [is] not pessimism but absolute realism: life is to be taken at the tilt, you do not have forever, and therefore why wait? Why wait … to become a faithful and intimate companion to that initially formidable stranger you called your self?”

Ask yourself, ‘What do we think you are worthy of?’ In life, in work, in love and to yourself? These are tough questions and not many folk are comfortable answering them honestly. How often do we wait for what we really want to do? I appreciate it is not always that simple but actually making the decision to pursue what you want, is, well at least in theory just a question away from reality. The how is another matter.

Parker Palmer writes about self,

“Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities from each other. In the process, we become separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are.”

Fulfilment doesn’t come from finding a work/life balance but living out your true worth.

As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.

by Dani Trudeau.

Window of Tolerance

Accepting pain in my body for the past 15 months has taught me so much about myself, the way I move through the world, how I have changed over time and who I am yet to become. Before that acceptance came, for 9 months, I kept asking myself and medical professionals what I needed to do to fix it. I have learned a better question is, what is my body trying to communicate and how can I rewire my nervous system?

It has almost been 6 months now that we have all been in lockdown. Not a huge amount of time but definitely significant enough to develop coping strategies and new patterns of thinking. The current pandemic has been traumatic for many. When we experience trauma, it pushes the activation of the nervous system beyond its ability to self-regulate. When a stressful experience pushes the system beyond its limits, it can become stuck on “on.” When a system is overstimulated like this, we can experience anxiety, panic, anger, hyperactivity, and restlessness. A regulated nervous system experiences a stress and calming response throughout the course of a given day. Dr. Dan Siegel of UCLA coined the term “window of tolerance” to describe this space in which we can regulate ourselves without too much effort.

How can you discharge the traumatic stress and transition back into the window of the regulated nervous system? Understanding the function of how people are responding and what may be needed to effectively shift this emotional state is critical for finding effective strategies to shift arousal that don’t lead to further harm to self or others or leave the individual with a sense of shame. This can be referred to as a false refuge in that it provides the “illusion” that it is helping but in the end the problem is still there and maybe even bigger and now we have layered on shame, guilt, a sense of failure etc, as we have responded in a way that we didn’t want to.

A “true refuge” is something we do for ourselves that effectively allows us to shift towards our optimal arousal zone while building competencies and taking care of ourselves in a manner that feels good. There are some common strategies but the key is finding what works for you. With schools starting back, it is also a time to observe and support our young people in getting to know their emotions and equipping them with helpful tools.  When providing support to others, it is important to recall that trauma is marked by a loss of control, therefore the ability to establish control and experience a sense of safety and empowerment is of priority in the face of real or perceived threat. For more about supporting a young person, check out this article here.

Good Therapy recommends the following tips;

  1. Seek safe relationships. Being with someone who is safe and soothing will help your nervous system settle and create a safe space for you to connect and share your experience. We are social beings and we heal in relationship, so if you find yourself isolating or pulling away from social contact, consider instead seeking out people who feel supportive.
  2. Practice mindful breathing. This trauma response is connected to the brain stem (basic physiological regulation) and the limbic (emotional) brain. Practicing mindful breathing helps connect a basic physiological process (breathing) with your prefrontal cortex (thinking brain), which helps integrate and shift our neurological state. To put that more simply: breathing has a HUGE capacity to calm the brain and regulate the nervous system.

For me, I am happy to share that I had a moment of gratitude this week for the consistent lack of pain. All of the breathing, meditation, homeopathy, nutritional support, writing and talking has gotten me to the other side. I have learned some big lessons and am forever changed, although fully aware the journey is far from over. I also know that I could not have done it alone.

So how can we show up for one another right now? In these times of stress and change, can you be that supportive voice, championing another being back into their window of tolerance? We all know that a small act of listening or kindness can make a big difference and now is the perfect time to be that warm face and warm voice.

Pause & Reset

Covid-19 has shone the light on lots of cracks, many which have been there for a long time but somewhat covered up or perhaps time just makes them easier to ignore. Loneliness, health inequality, race inequality, food inequality, gender inequality, just to name a few. People who have been worst affected by the virus are generally those who had worse health outcomes before the pandemic.  The scandal is not that the virus has disproportionately affected certain groups, but that it has taken a global pandemic to shine a light on deeply entrenched inequalities.

Before you slump further down in your seat, I am aware that we don’t need to pile on more fear and despair, so, at this moment how best can we take in the lessons and make real positive changes?  If we don’t make a real shift, we will perpetuate a sense of helplessness at best and more of the same inequalities at worst. Our broken systems have been highlighted and the value of community has never been more obvious than right now. Holding our values higher and stronger than ever feels like one way forward.

So what does that look like for me? I sometimes worry I am a broken record, but every time I tackle a big question like this one and have an ah-ha moment, the answer is undoubtably simple; finding community. This is a unique opportunity to reshape our world views; one that puts people first.  We have a chance to reflect on our choices and how they impact on others and the world. Current times could give people a chance to unleash creativity, which in turn could help lead us to live our best lives.

For now, I am going to take the moment to rethink and adapt the present to reshape our future. When thinking of this time as a fortuity, it feels less scary and more like building resilience.

I would love to hear your thoughts and how you have grown through this crisis.

 

by Dani Trudeau

Pick it up

If you don’t pick something up, you don’t know how heavy it is.

I keep thinking about this. The weight of shame and those people who choose not to pick it up. We are all victims and victimisers in a racist system. Some feel it everyday in every part of their body and some are completely blind and untouched.

We are all hurting. Yes in very different ways and by no means do I pretend to know the pain of being a person of colour, but racism hurts us all. If you don’t take this time to think, listen, talk, read, learn, explore, challenge, you will miss out and you will also remain part of the problem. None of us cannot afford you to stay silent. Yes it is awkward and if you are white you might be worried about saying the wrong thing, but that is a small price to pay, part of the long overdue relearning and it is also your privilege.

Resmaa Menakem‘s language and approach to racism and trauma really speaks to me.

“Creating community and a somatically attuned life helped me achieve positivity while challenging my own limitations around race and trauma.  I want to inspire my community and humanity to acknowledge their “white-body supremacy trauma” and find pathways to heal. I want to help you metabolize the decontextualized internalized “white body supremacy” energy to create fuel for freedom.”

We must all be antiracist. Investigate what this looks like for yourself- this work is for you, for me, for everyone. Things cannot go back to the way they were and change is an action. It takes effort and movement and if you are sitting still and looking the other way, you are dragging us all behind. If you don’t know where to start, read our newsletter and check out some of the leaders like Ibram X Kendi, Resmaa Menakem, Robin Diangelo and many more.

This is close to my heavy heart.

New Normal

by Dani Trudeau

I have not yet found my new normal. A huge part of me is still resisting the realities of what is happening right now and the worries of all of the what ifs are taking up a huge amount of my band width. Plus I have not been well (no fever but a bad cough…) so my coping abilities are limited even further.As I have not been well since July really (non COVID related obviously), I appreciate good health more than ever. It really is everything and without it, resilience is difficult at best and any enjoyment is compromised. We must do all that we can to stay well and isolated. Staying physically distanced is only going to get harder with time so we must remember the importance of staying at home. Hopefully we can all find a peaceful new isolated norm which is after all, temporary.

There have also been some real moments of beauty. We had a lovely zoom social lunch and will run them twice weekly (members can check out the link on the closed facebook group). And all of the kind feedback has meant so much, thank you. Here are two quotes from members;

“Tribe Porty has changed my life for the better in so many unexpected ways. I’ll always be grateful to you for the very inspiring, often invisible and challenging, work you do to support us.”

“I’d like to support Tribe as you’ve literally been the best thing for me since moving to Edinburgh, even though I’ve hardly been here! Thank you for that and for creating such a wonderful community.”

Thanks all, you really are a great group of humans and we will get through this together.

Community to the test

by Dani Trudeau

 

The real test of your character comes out when times are hard. This can be the worst and the best in humanity. I think we are all well aware of the negative actions of some so we are focusing on the positive and practical. We are reaching out to our incredible network, exploring solutions, pulling together and checking in on one another. Please get in touch if you need help with anything (micro to macro) or if you have some good ideas you need help implementing or sharing.

As we are mostly made up of freelancers, we need to look that ball of anxiety in the face and then find solutions, one challenge at a time. Not only do we need to navigate potential financial difficulties, we have to think about how to be at home with our children and other working from home housemates. Furthermore, we need to protect our mental wellbeing and we think this is where community is really put to the test and is at its best.

We have some good practical considerations below from our pals at Senscot Legal and Macdonald Henderson.

1) HMRC- If you have Corporation Tax, Personal Tax, VAT and PAYE liabilities, then you could approach HMRC to delay payments for them – they may be willing to negotiate a payment plan.

2) Suppliers-You may wish to approach your suppliers to extend credit terms.

3) Customers-Can you approach customers if you currently have credit terms, can you ask them to pay quicker?

4) Loans/ Bank overdrafts- If you currently have outstanding loans, would you be able to negotiate a payment holiday? Do you have an overdraft facility with your bank, and can you increase it in the short term? (From experience, the telephone waiting times are long so get a book or podcast going in the background).

Please remember, for the 4 points detailed above, you must ensure that you have an agreement with the relevant parties that you are planning to defer payment.  In the case of customers, propose more favourable terms. Be aware that if you do not negotiate an agreement, it could result in a breach of contract.

Your staff-The closest business relationship you have is with your staff. But hard decisions will have to be made if you are looking at a downturn in revenue. You may have to consider a reduction in staff pay to see you through the coming weeks.

The impact will depend on what you consider will be the revenue reduction. You may even have to ask staff to reduce their hours in line with the revenue reduction.

If the outlook becomes bleaker, redundancies may have to be considered. But remember, you will have to factor in redundancy payments.

Where can you find further help? -Both the UK and Scottish Governments have published a set of measures to help a business through the inevitable downturn.

The Scottish Government set up a dedicated advice helpline – 0300 303 0660 and introduced a set of supportive measures:

The UK Government has also announced measures to alleviate the effects of COVID-19

Here are a couple of Government web sites that are well worth a look.
Government Support for Employees and Benefit Claimants
Coronavirus Guidance for employees and employers
Government guidance to employers and businesses

Please remember keeping an open dialogue with suppliers, customers, staff and HMRC is key to building positive working relationships and managing your business through difficult times.

Pain is always personal

by Dani Trudeau

It has been a bit of a tough month. I have not been well and in pain and after a load of tests and scans, I still don’t know what is causing it all. That being said, it has taught me a few good things too. Before I sound overly dramatic, I just want to say that I am grateful for my health, albeit not brilliant at this very moment, as for as I know it is nothing serious. Like most experiences outside our norm, it is an opportunity to wake us up and take notice of what we do have.

As darkness helps us see the light, I think pain helps us see the joy. Being in A&E for 8 hours last week and witnessing the pain of others, I felt really sad. I felt sorry for myself but also for others; those alone, the young guy passed out, the elderly woman being ignored. It also showed me how ill prepared we are for loss and vulnerability and how our default coping mechanism is often denial. The systems we live and work in don’t support us very well most of the time. I was just outside the nurses station and it was clear that they work within a system which dictates that patients are moved or discharged by a certain time. They had up to 4 hours to move me out of A&E. Unfortunately, they moved me up to the surgical ward with little communication and I was prepped for surgery without knowing what was happening. I then waited another 4 hours for the consultant to tell me he didn’t know what was going on and to go home.

I understand why these ‘efficient’ systems are implemented and can be useful. Something happens though when the system because more important than the work. It must be far less satisfying for those healthcare workers to work for the system instead of the patient as well. From my perspective, I felt hugely disconnected on a human level. There are parts of ourselves that the conventional health care system isn’t equipped to heal or nourish, adding to our suffering.

There was a moment when I was being rolled out of A&E and up to the surgical op ward when I looked over at the man in the next room, bent over, watery eyes and in obvious pain. I quickly looked away and then thought about hearing the nurse comment about how he knows him (in a “oh yeah I know Dave” kind of way). Did that comment make me less empathetic to his suffering. Did I not want to see his suffering or did I at some level, not even believe it. I felt horrible about this. How can I accept suffering and not get tripped up by my own discomfort around it. In fact, maybe that is what some of the healthcare workers have to do to cope with the daily onslaught of other’s suffering.

I love what palliative care expert,  BJ Miller, MD has to say on the topic. “First, let’s all get better at being vulnerable because we are vulnerable. If you’re in the course of a normal life, any one of us is going to be a burden to someone sometime. It’s just not possible to only give care and not need to receive it. Getting more savvy with needing one another is one way to turn down the pain.”

After getting home, it took me a day and some serious self talk to get me out of feeling utterly shite. No one could help me and maybe somehow I was making this all happen or making this up? I had to remind myself that normal scans and tests were a good thing and that I had to just keep checking in with how I felt and asking more questions. I had to remember to trust myself and that the body doesn’t lie. And although most of us don’t know when we are going to die, we are all dying.

The more intimate we get with the idea of dying, the closer we come to folding it into the fabric of our daily lives, the better off we’ll all be, Miller says. Advice on how to die well is really no more than advice on how to live well, with that unavoidable reality in mind.

My takeaways-

  1. Take care and advocate for yourself
  2. Connect in to others to find support
  3. Seize any opportunity for learning, even when it’s not obvious
  4. Suffering is a teacher of something if you are open to a lesson
  5. Pain is always personal and those individual lessons are the greatest lessons
  6. The only way out is through.

It’s Bigger than You

by Dani Trudeau

Perspective taking and the unfolding of inner life; what does that mean and why bother? Ultimately we all part of the same systems; we interact, conform, resist, seek out connection and have a desire to find our place of belonging. Unfortunately, we are living in a time of many broken and out-dated systems. We have a dated educational system, a broken food chain and career pathways which no longer serve us well. So why is it so hard to change systems to better suit us?

Systems change is about addressing the root causes of social problems, which are often intractable and embedded in networks of cause and effect. It is an intentional process designed to fundamentally alter the components and structures that cause the system to behave in a certain way. Systems thinking also requires an acceptance of unpredictability and loss of control that runs counter to most models of leadership and accountability.

(Chart taken from London Funders, see more of the article here).

I think we can make these big system changes best by starting with ourselves. When setting up or running your enterprise, ask yourself these questions;

Are we as open as we claim to be?

Are we as courageous as we ask others to be?

Do we bear as much risk as we ask grantees to hold?

Are we as humble as we should be?

Are we sharing power?

Are we sharing learning as much we should?

For an individual to become ‘more conscious’ is a story of personal growth, not ever easy but always worth it.

Best said by the folks at Perspectiva, “When we develop a deeper reflexive awareness of the ways in which we are shaped, when we start to commit to such processes together, we can speak of a more conscious society – a collective effort to see our challenges in their fullness, and thereby live larger and less deluded lives. When a critical mass of people ‘grow’ in consciousness in this way we can speak of a collective awakening.”

This collective responsibility coupled with personal attention to individual growth is powerful. It no longer gives any airtime to the ridiculous notion that working on yourself is somehow selfish. It is your duty to tend to your soul and your soul contributes to the whole.

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