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Window of Tolerance

Accepting pain in my body for the past 15 months has taught me so much about myself, the way I move through the world, how I have changed over time and who I am yet to become. Before that acceptance came, for 9 months, I kept asking myself and medical professionals what I needed to do to fix it. I have learned a better question is, what is my body trying to communicate and how can I rewire my nervous system?

It has almost been 6 months now that we have all been in lockdown. Not a huge amount of time but definitely significant enough to develop coping strategies and new patterns of thinking. The current pandemic has been traumatic for many. When we experience trauma, it pushes the activation of the nervous system beyond its ability to self-regulate. When a stressful experience pushes the system beyond its limits, it can become stuck on “on.” When a system is overstimulated like this, we can experience anxiety, panic, anger, hyperactivity, and restlessness. A regulated nervous system experiences a stress and calming response throughout the course of a given day. Dr. Dan Siegel of UCLA coined the term “window of tolerance” to describe this space in which we can regulate ourselves without too much effort.

How can you discharge the traumatic stress and transition back into the window of the regulated nervous system? Understanding the function of how people are responding and what may be needed to effectively shift this emotional state is critical for finding effective strategies to shift arousal that don’t lead to further harm to self or others or leave the individual with a sense of shame. This can be referred to as a false refuge in that it provides the “illusion” that it is helping but in the end the problem is still there and maybe even bigger and now we have layered on shame, guilt, a sense of failure etc, as we have responded in a way that we didn’t want to.

A “true refuge” is something we do for ourselves that effectively allows us to shift towards our optimal arousal zone while building competencies and taking care of ourselves in a manner that feels good. There are some common strategies but the key is finding what works for you. With schools starting back, it is also a time to observe and support our young people in getting to know their emotions and equipping them with helpful tools.  When providing support to others, it is important to recall that trauma is marked by a loss of control, therefore the ability to establish control and experience a sense of safety and empowerment is of priority in the face of real or perceived threat. For more about supporting a young person, check out this article here.

Good Therapy recommends the following tips;

  1. Seek safe relationships. Being with someone who is safe and soothing will help your nervous system settle and create a safe space for you to connect and share your experience. We are social beings and we heal in relationship, so if you find yourself isolating or pulling away from social contact, consider instead seeking out people who feel supportive.
  2. Practice mindful breathing. This trauma response is connected to the brain stem (basic physiological regulation) and the limbic (emotional) brain. Practicing mindful breathing helps connect a basic physiological process (breathing) with your prefrontal cortex (thinking brain), which helps integrate and shift our neurological state. To put that more simply: breathing has a HUGE capacity to calm the brain and regulate the nervous system.

For me, I am happy to share that I had a moment of gratitude this week for the consistent lack of pain. All of the breathing, meditation, homeopathy, nutritional support, writing and talking has gotten me to the other side. I have learned some big lessons and am forever changed, although fully aware the journey is far from over. I also know that I could not have done it alone.

So how can we show up for one another right now? In these times of stress and change, can you be that supportive voice, championing another being back into their window of tolerance? We all know that a small act of listening or kindness can make a big difference and now is the perfect time to be that warm face and warm voice.

Pause & Reset

Covid-19 has shone the light on lots of cracks, many which have been there for a long time but somewhat covered up or perhaps time just makes them easier to ignore. Loneliness, health inequality, race inequality, food inequality, gender inequality, just to name a few. People who have been worst affected by the virus are generally those who had worse health outcomes before the pandemic.  The scandal is not that the virus has disproportionately affected certain groups, but that it has taken a global pandemic to shine a light on deeply entrenched inequalities.

Before you slump further down in your seat, I am aware that we don’t need to pile on more fear and despair, so, at this moment how best can we take in the lessons and make real positive changes?  If we don’t make a real shift, we will perpetuate a sense of helplessness at best and more of the same inequalities at worst. Our broken systems have been highlighted and the value of community has never been more obvious than right now. Holding our values higher and stronger than ever feels like one way forward.

So what does that look like for me? I sometimes worry I am a broken record, but every time I tackle a big question like this one and have an ah-ha moment, the answer is undoubtably simple; finding community. This is a unique opportunity to reshape our world views; one that puts people first.  We have a chance to reflect on our choices and how they impact on others and the world. Current times could give people a chance to unleash creativity, which in turn could help lead us to live our best lives.

For now, I am going to take the moment to rethink and adapt the present to reshape our future. When thinking of this time as a fortuity, it feels less scary and more like building resilience.

I would love to hear your thoughts and how you have grown through this crisis.

 

by Dani Trudeau

Pick it up

If you don’t pick something up, you don’t know how heavy it is.

I keep thinking about this. The weight of shame and those people who choose not to pick it up. We are all victims and victimisers in a racist system. Some feel it everyday in every part of their body and some are completely blind and untouched.

We are all hurting. Yes in very different ways and by no means do I pretend to know the pain of being a person of colour, but racism hurts us all. If you don’t take this time to think, listen, talk, read, learn, explore, challenge, you will miss out and you will also remain part of the problem. None of us cannot afford you to stay silent. Yes it is awkward and if you are white you might be worried about saying the wrong thing, but that is a small price to pay, part of the long overdue relearning and it is also your privilege.

Resmaa Menakem‘s language and approach to racism and trauma really speaks to me.

“Creating community and a somatically attuned life helped me achieve positivity while challenging my own limitations around race and trauma.  I want to inspire my community and humanity to acknowledge their “white-body supremacy trauma” and find pathways to heal. I want to help you metabolize the decontextualized internalized “white body supremacy” energy to create fuel for freedom.”

We must all be antiracist. Investigate what this looks like for yourself- this work is for you, for me, for everyone. Things cannot go back to the way they were and change is an action. It takes effort and movement and if you are sitting still and looking the other way, you are dragging us all behind. If you don’t know where to start, read our newsletter and check out some of the leaders like Ibram X Kendi, Resmaa Menakem, Robin Diangelo and many more.

This is close to my heavy heart.

Touch

I have always preferred ground floor flats and houses. Something about not feeling suspended makes me feel more grounded in myself. I need my feet spread out, my hands open and earth not far beneath me.

Every morning I come down to the kitchen and I touch the counter. When the kitchen has been left clean and the surfaces cleared (perhaps not as often as I would like), I will run my hand across the concrete counter and down the curved edges. It is super satisfying and relaxing to me for some reason.

What I am trying to say is that I like to feel things out. Often when I cannot make a decision about something, I will decide on one option and then check in with my body to see how that decision feels. My body is faster than my brain and I trust the instant reaction of it. Many years of somatic work has taught me that first-person observation of the soma is immediately factual.

But feeling things out right now is hard. I can feel my body tense up and my stomach twist when I am asked what does the future look like. I don’t know. If anything, this unmapped world of the future is insisting that we remain in the present. At least, that is how I am trying to cope with the upheaval of everything.

However you are coping with the current situation, one thing that is true for everyone is that there has been a lot of change. According to the folk at MindTools, change can be difficult because it can challenge how we think, how we work, the quality of our relationships, and even our physical security or sense of identity. We usually react to change in four stages:

 

  1. Shock and disorientation.
  2. Anger and other emotional responses.
  3. Coming to terms with the “new normal.”
  4. Acceptance and moving forward.

As with most things, no doubt these stages are not always in sequence and can get repeated but there is some reassurance knowing there is a next stage, especially when stuck in the first two stages.

Knowing that I feel my way through most things, I have decided to be even more deliberate in tapping into that intelligence. Along with breathing, I am taking note of what my posture, gestures, and sensations might be saying. I suppose that is one way of saying that I am being more mindful but it makes more sense to me to say that I am consciously feeling my way through this all, one feeling at a time.

 

by Dani Trudeau

Isolation has become a shared experience

by Dani Trudeau

It has been an emotion a minute for me for the past few weeks but now I’m starting to feel a welcomed sense of acceptance the last couple of days. I was scrambling bit time in the beginning, desperate to ensure our survival. Beyond my copious spreadsheets, applications, research and conversations, a big part of Tribe’s survival is its community and this pandemic has brought out the best in us. We have had each other’s backs, offered support and showed up for one another. I have had an overwhelming number of emails and messages of support and everyone who has been able to support Tribe, has committed to doing so. This is incredible and we are all so lucky to have one another. A big thank you to everyone for being so great. It feels good that we are in this for the long game.

I really like the way Mark Manson writes about the current times and what is normal,  “… human reactions to these crises are also quite normal. Social distancing has historically produced protests and political backlash from those whose livelihoods become threatened. Economic crises have invited intense government intervention, generating widespread inequality and political outrage. Even the complaints that everyone is overreacting—nothing to see here, see, hardly anyone even died—are not only common, but practically universal.

This isn’t the “new” normal. This is just normal. Incredibly normal. As are our responses to it. We are maddeningly unoriginal in our experience right now.

But as long as our expectations are confined to our tiny individual bubbles of experience, and our focus only looks a couple years into our past or future, then we’ll feel perpetually sad and/or angry at having been robbed of our imaginary “normal.”

Martin Luther King Jr. famously said that the moral arc of history is long but it bends towards justice. This is true about human progress in general.”

New Normal

by Dani Trudeau

I have not yet found my new normal. A huge part of me is still resisting the realities of what is happening right now and the worries of all of the what ifs are taking up a huge amount of my band width. Plus I have not been well (no fever but a bad cough…) so my coping abilities are limited even further.As I have not been well since July really (non COVID related obviously), I appreciate good health more than ever. It really is everything and without it, resilience is difficult at best and any enjoyment is compromised. We must do all that we can to stay well and isolated. Staying physically distanced is only going to get harder with time so we must remember the importance of staying at home. Hopefully we can all find a peaceful new isolated norm which is after all, temporary.

There have also been some real moments of beauty. We had a lovely zoom social lunch and will run them twice weekly (members can check out the link on the closed facebook group). And all of the kind feedback has meant so much, thank you. Here are two quotes from members;

“Tribe Porty has changed my life for the better in so many unexpected ways. I’ll always be grateful to you for the very inspiring, often invisible and challenging, work you do to support us.”

“I’d like to support Tribe as you’ve literally been the best thing for me since moving to Edinburgh, even though I’ve hardly been here! Thank you for that and for creating such a wonderful community.”

Thanks all, you really are a great group of humans and we will get through this together.

Community to the test

by Dani Trudeau

 

The real test of your character comes out when times are hard. This can be the worst and the best in humanity. I think we are all well aware of the negative actions of some so we are focusing on the positive and practical. We are reaching out to our incredible network, exploring solutions, pulling together and checking in on one another. Please get in touch if you need help with anything (micro to macro) or if you have some good ideas you need help implementing or sharing.

As we are mostly made up of freelancers, we need to look that ball of anxiety in the face and then find solutions, one challenge at a time. Not only do we need to navigate potential financial difficulties, we have to think about how to be at home with our children and other working from home housemates. Furthermore, we need to protect our mental wellbeing and we think this is where community is really put to the test and is at its best.

We have some good practical considerations below from our pals at Senscot Legal and Macdonald Henderson.

1) HMRC- If you have Corporation Tax, Personal Tax, VAT and PAYE liabilities, then you could approach HMRC to delay payments for them – they may be willing to negotiate a payment plan.

2) Suppliers-You may wish to approach your suppliers to extend credit terms.

3) Customers-Can you approach customers if you currently have credit terms, can you ask them to pay quicker?

4) Loans/ Bank overdrafts- If you currently have outstanding loans, would you be able to negotiate a payment holiday? Do you have an overdraft facility with your bank, and can you increase it in the short term? (From experience, the telephone waiting times are long so get a book or podcast going in the background).

Please remember, for the 4 points detailed above, you must ensure that you have an agreement with the relevant parties that you are planning to defer payment.  In the case of customers, propose more favourable terms. Be aware that if you do not negotiate an agreement, it could result in a breach of contract.

Your staff-The closest business relationship you have is with your staff. But hard decisions will have to be made if you are looking at a downturn in revenue. You may have to consider a reduction in staff pay to see you through the coming weeks.

The impact will depend on what you consider will be the revenue reduction. You may even have to ask staff to reduce their hours in line with the revenue reduction.

If the outlook becomes bleaker, redundancies may have to be considered. But remember, you will have to factor in redundancy payments.

Where can you find further help? -Both the UK and Scottish Governments have published a set of measures to help a business through the inevitable downturn.

The Scottish Government set up a dedicated advice helpline – 0300 303 0660 and introduced a set of supportive measures:

The UK Government has also announced measures to alleviate the effects of COVID-19

Here are a couple of Government web sites that are well worth a look.
Government Support for Employees and Benefit Claimants
Coronavirus Guidance for employees and employers
Government guidance to employers and businesses

Please remember keeping an open dialogue with suppliers, customers, staff and HMRC is key to building positive working relationships and managing your business through difficult times.

What can I do with my time that is important?

by Dani Trudeau

I was recently asked to do a quick talk to camera about my life’s ‘purpose’. To me, it’s a word that feels so limiting, so finite. As though we all have just one reason for being. Actually, I’ve come to realise that a better, more relevant question would be, “what can I do with my time that’s important?” And that led me to think that, ultimately, death is the only thing that gives us perspective on the value of our lives. It sounds morbid, but it’s really freeing.

In Mark Manson’s brilliant article, he says “Discovering one’s ‘purpose’ in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. It’s not about some great achievement, but merely finding a way to spend your limited amount of time well. And to do that you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.”

So I’ve made a list of important ways to spend my time:

It all seems pretty simple, yet it feels really important. I would love to know what others find important ways to spend their time.

Let me know.

It is a wonderful thing, to feel like you are becoming more

by Dani Trudeau

 

I am resisting the pull of writing about my New Year’s intentions. We have heard it all before and there seems to be equal camps of pro resolutioners and anti resolutioners. Instead, I thought I would try and write about the uncomfortable – but ultimately positive – process of taking on something new.

First of all, the real power is finding what works for you. Be it an app for helping you achieve your goals or a friend, a group, whatever. More to the point, the motivation is the key, the ways to get there are individual and you can be as creative as you like. And maybe, right now, you are perfectly happy just where you are (although I think those moments are rare and fleeting-enjoy it).

If you want to become more, if you need to shake off a limiting shell, here’s a helpful way to think about it: be more lobster.

“The stimulus for the lobster to be able to grow is that it feels uncomfortable. Now, if lobsters had doctors, they would never grow because as soon as the lobster feels uncomfortable, goes to the doctor, gets a Valium, gets a Percocet, feels fine, never casts off his shell. I think that we have to realize that times of stress are also times that are signals for growth, and if we use adversity properly, we can grow through adversity.” – Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski

Most of the time, my motivations are that I love learning new things, challenging myself and seeing how I can become more than I am right now. Sometimes this life feels too short for all that I want to try and do. Don’t get me wrong though, I spend plenty of time wrestling with the fears, the disbeliefs and the feeling of being stuck before the unknown. But I hold to the fact that those feelings are all very normal.

The funny thing about new growth, learning and capability is that we often have to put in a lot of work to gain access to them. Then, once we have them, it feels so easy, or obvious, or simple, and we forget about how hard we had to work to get them. We might even feel a bit silly for not having always thought like this or being able to do it.

Remember that you’ve made it easy by putting in the hard work. Be more lobster – be more you.

Be Good, Get Paid

by Dani Trudeau

Along the same lines as work hard and be nice, I think we are still a bit sleepy eyed to the fact that the kindness economy is the new economy. Most of us care about what kind of work we do and leaving a positive impact, be it big or tiny. We are also learning that being kind feels good and also perpetuates kindness. This is a win win mindset.

I recently completed the Common Purpose, Leading Beyond Authority course. It was a mix of private, public and third sector participants, with a variety of visits to other organisations from football clubs to hospice centres. Much of our smaller group discussions were around how to lead teams.  My fellow participants would describe their pay bands and struggles with working across all levels of hierarchy within a team. I have forgotten that world of hierarchy. Surely a system in which people or things are arranged according to their importance is not the most motivating environment for anyone but those at the top?

The working environment is changing rapidly and there is more and more talk about community, impact and looking beyond the bottom line. Businesses organised around small, autonomous teams are much more nimble than large hierarchies. This makes it easier to respond to change. Businesses organised with a flat structure, also tend to be much more innovative. I think more and more people are looking for purpose in their work, be it as a freelancer or employee. Businesses are going to need to be able to respond to this new way of working and adapt. Freelancers, now is your chance to bring your whole self, make kindness a priority and benefit both personally and professionally and organisations can follow suit. This is true for working environments too. Not many folk are up for working in soulless boxes, void of connection and creativity. I think we should all take on the responsibility for changing systems and environments for the better, in whatever way you can. Promise you will feel better for it.

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