Holding Space
Meet Loretta
We wanted to take this month’s blog as an opportunity to introduce you to Life Celebrant, Death Doula and friend of Tribe, Loretta Dunn. Loretta has a special interest in living well and dying well. Her journey so far has included a long career in nursing and midwifery, she is a member of The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath and Death, and an EASE Facilitator (end of life aid skills for everyone) with the Scottish Partnership for Palliative Care. She is passionate about bringing death out of the shadows as a means of helping us to live our best life in the present moment.
Compassion and love are at the heart of her work. Loretta recently reached out to us to express her interest in running The Death Curious Cafe at Tribe Porty. Simply put, this gathering is an open invitation to gather and discuss mortality in a supportive and progressive way.
What is a Death Cafe?
Death Cafes first launched in Switzerland in 2004 and have since spread around the world. This has been encouraged through a growing number of folks moving towards death positivity and away from death denial. The key of this is that through understanding and welcoming our own mortality we improve the quality of our lives. As a society, it is more valuable than ever to hold space for conversations about death. A survey by the charity Dying Matters reveals that more than 70 per cent of us are uncomfortable talking about death and that less than a third of us have spoken to family members about end-of-life wishes.
Holding Space
In the UK, the topic of death is avoided due to a combination of cultural, psychological, and social factors. Many of us not only fear death itself but the potential pain, loss of control, and uncertainty it brings. Psychologically, people often engage in death denial to shield themselves from these anxieties.
In the book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, the authors and researchers challenge traditional views on grief which emphasise the need for detachment. The authors argue that grief is not about “letting go”. Rather it is about finding a new way to incorporate the presence of the deceased into one’s life. This could be in the form of personal rituals, keeping mementos and maintaining an inner dialogue with the loved one.
You can see this approach manifest itself through modern technology with the keeping of ‘memorial profiles’. Continuing bonds and having open dialogue around death has become an essential part of death doulas work and perhaps an important key to reopening the conversation around death and grief.
“The goal of grief is not to sever bonds, but to reweave them into the fabric of life.”-Continuing Bonds
The importance of community
There are many cultures that have religious or spiritual rituals that provide the building blocks for both accepting and preparing for death. In the past, even in the UK, death was a communal experience with both community members and family taking an active role in end-of-life care and rituals. Philosophical traditions, such as Stoicism or Buddhism, death is seen as an inevitable part of life, and whether it happens early or late is simply a fact of existence, not necessarily a matter of fairness.
Due to the breakdown of close-knit community structures and families often living far apart, death has been removed from everyday life and conversation. Thus encouraging an environment where it is easier to avoid and therefore removing any sentiment of acceptance or feelings of fairness.
Advances in medical technology have also shifted the perception of death to be something that can and should be delayed. In the UK the percentage of people who died in hospital in 2022 was 43.4%. Arguably this contributes to the notion that death is something to be resisted or “fixed,” rather than embraced as a natural end.
Of course the practice of guidance is not new and death is not an unknown phenomenon. A certified end-of-life doula, Christy Marek suggests that the lack of community ties in today’s society has led to the lack of conversations around death and resulted in the overwhelming need to contract a trained professional.
“In America, a few generations ago, our communities were doing this work,” she said. “The reason the role is showing up in a formalised way now is that we don’t have those community ties any more, not in the same way, and certainly not the same level of responsibility to each other as used to be woven into our communities.”- Christy Marek
The place of a Doula
Doulas help to relive these challenges and open up the conversation in a relaxed and informal way. Something we must also consider is that death denial is the overwhelming norm, our individual wishes for end of life care are not considered until late on. The result is that people struggle to have their wishes fulfilled.
All of the above contributes to a whole host of anxieties, the biggest problem being that we will never achieve a “good death”, one that aligns with our own values, desires and needs. This is a big conversation and one that cannot be fixed into one blog post, but we can certainly hold the space for it. When we are willing to take responsibility for our life, we can make peace with death.
An invitation to hold space
Join Loretta for our first Death Cafe on 24/10/24, she will also be joining us at Tribe for Social Lunch on 03/10/24. This will be a safe environment for sharing and exploring a deeper understanding of spiritual wellbeing for living well to die well over tea, coffee and cake. This is a pay-what-you-can event with a £5 suggested donation. Click here to find out more and book your space.
“Love has triumphed from the enfoldment of my inner circle—my closest friends and family. Engaging in open conversations about life and death has woven tighter bonds among us. Death, a shared human experience often wrapped in silence, has become a pivotal topic of our discussions. Through this, I’ve gained invaluable insights about the inevitable but more so about how to live.”-Dani Trudeau on conversations about death
Thanks for reading,
Alice
Read more: Exploring the evolution of grief & Living longer
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Seasonal approaches to wellbeing
How to use the seasons to identify your needs and honour rest
A constant battle I have always had with myself is allowing rest. Even when I can acknowledge that I am tired, giving in to rest causes me to believe that I am being (the dreaded word) ‘lazy’. I’ve always been scared of the word lazy, it is a fear I battle mainly in the warmer months of summer. How many times have you denied yourself needed rest because the sun’s out? Or maybe I should adjust that question to Scotland and say ‘because it’s not raining’…
Acknowledging your inner seasons
We recently had the wonderful Hannah Swift of Yellow Empress Acupuncture join us for Tribe Talks. Her session covered a range of topics around menopause but all stemmed back to how to look after yourself in both mind and body. I was particularly fond of the analogy of the seasons and how we can identify our bodies’ needs by assigning seasons to our cycles (you can read more about this here). I’ve come to realise that this can not only be used as a powerful tool in understanding menstrual cycles but a tool to help honour rest and remove the self perpetuated notion of being ‘lazy’.
Rest is not a passive action, nor is it a negative. Rest can be just as, if not more imperative to our wellbeing than that quick run around the block or 30 minute yoga session. When thinking about the ancient Chinese philosophy of Yin and Yang it becomes easier to apply the concept of dualism. All things have two facets, nothing is purely good nor is it purely bad.
“When life-force energy is appropriately balanced between Yin and Yang, it flows smoothly maintaining and promoting a good state of physical and emotional health”-Elina Zagkorontskagia
By applying the seasons to aid in understanding yourself, your moods and your energy you can help to pace your energy, calm your nervous system and gain insights into your overall wellbeing. Think about the seasons and what moods you attach to these. What things can you supply yourself with during your winters to bring yourself back into spring and summer?
How to identify your inner seasons
Here are some examples of how to apply the seasons to yourself and your wellbeing:
WINTER:
Surrender and let go. Stopping and digesting may expose us to what we have been keeping at bay by keeping busy. Now is the time to give in to your tired and weary self, let go of expectations and simply rest.
SPRING:
Time to take stock and hype yourself up. Your inner spring is a time of becoming. It’s time to feel at home with yourself and celebrate being you, say yes to yourself.
SUMMER:
Liberation and express your power. Manifest your calling, fulfill yourself and your spirit, dare to be your truest fullest self.
AUTUMN:
Here is where your inner critic rests. This will cause disruption and disturbance internally and deflate your ego. The challenge here is to sit in discomfort long enough to learn and grow but still hold onto your goodness.
“Plants store up resources through their root systems, waiting for spring for their next burst of growth. Nature shows us the wise way to be: we should follow a period of busyness with a time for deep rest”-Mimi Kuo Deemer
Once you have observed and visualised your seasons of emotions ask yourself how you tend to deal with them. How can you nurture your needs and come back into summer? By observing natures cycles, respecting that emotions come and go in seasonal shifts and applying this to our own lifestyles we can understand that rest is not a shortcoming, nor is it lazy. By resting we can take stock and nourish our bodies. Let’s value and respect intentional quiet time and let go of the need to be busy.
Not sure where to start? Ask yourself the following questions:
- What types of rest practices do you make time for on a regular basis?
- What are the warning signs you need to prioritise rest?
- What are the barriers that can get in the way of getting enough rest?
- What types of rest can you weave into your week?
- What might be some of the boundaries you need to set so you can honour your need for rest?
“Instead of asking, ‘Have I worked hard enough to deserve rest?’ ask, ‘Have I rested enough to do my most loving, meaningful work?”-Nicola Jane Hobbs
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As always, we would love to hear your thoughts, keep in touch by signing up to our newsletter below! You can find our previous blog posts by clicking here.
Thanks for reading,
Alice.
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What We Think We Are Worthy Of
Our calling, work, conviction, purpose
Whatever you call it, is most often, a big part of our life and identity. There is tension between who I am without my work and living out my values and purpose. I have learned to trust that when there is tension, I am on to something good.
I have to agree with Simon Sinek and his views that you only have one why, personally and professionally. You are who you are in all places and products. If you change your why in different places, you are living a lie somewhere. By knowing what you believe in and following your values, your actions will reflect your why. However, I am only speaking from my own experience and know that plenty of people do a job and find purpose elsewhere; I acknowledge a level of privilege this view has. On the other hand, I also know that far too many people fall into their work — thinking that it is separate from who they are and this can lead to unhappiness and being unwell.
I have been reading and rereading David Whyte’s book, The Three Marriages. Whyte is a poet and his writing is wonderful, which does mean it takes me twice as long to read his books. Each sentence is so beautifully crafted, I have to write it down, or find something to underline sentences with and often a paragraph sends me into an open field of swaying thoughts for 20 minutes or even days. For example, Whyte writes,
“We follow this constant internal seasonal round of living and dying throughout our lives, trying to understand what it is we need, what is coming to fruition and what we have to let go of.”
Whyte writes about love, work and self and articulates what I have been thinking in terms of the inadequate phrase, ‘the work/life balance’. He says,
“The current understanding of work-life balance is too simplistic. People find it hard to balance work with family, family with self, because it might not be a question of balance. Some other dynamic is in play, something to do with a very human attempt at happiness that does not quantify different parts of life and then set them against one another. We are collectively exhausted because of our inability to hold competing parts of ourselves together in a more integrated way.”
I love the idea that we should fall in love with work. Getting to know so many freelancers here at Tribe, I am lucky to see the wide variety of professions. People in love with adventure, the Gaelic language, the way light plays upon surfaces, or even turning their discomfort of otherness into a creative observer.
The last of the three marriages, is the marriage to self, the most difficult of the three. Whyte writes,
“This willingness to look at the transitory nature of existence [is] not pessimism but absolute realism: life is to be taken at the tilt, you do not have forever, and therefore why wait? Why wait … to become a faithful and intimate companion to that initially formidable stranger you called your self?”
Ask yourself, ‘What do we think you are worthy of?’ In life, in work, in love and to yourself? These are tough questions and not many folk are comfortable answering them honestly. How often do we wait for what we really want to do? I appreciate it is not always that simple but actually making the decision to pursue what you want, is, well at least in theory just a question away from reality. The how is another matter.
Parker Palmer writes about self,
“Afraid that our inner light will be extinguished or our inner darkness exposed, we hide our true identities from each other. In the process, we become separated from our own souls. We end up living divided lives, so far removed from the truth we hold within that we cannot know the “integrity that comes from being what you are.”
Fulfilment doesn’t come from finding a work/life balance but living out your true worth.
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts.
by Dani Trudeau.
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