Compete with yourself
There are two major types of social comparison: upward comparison, when people compare themselves to people who are better than they are, and downward comparison, when people compare themselves to those who are less proficient than they are. Both upward and downward comparisons have strengths and weaknesses and in some ways unavoidable; our minds want to quantify. Our minds want to rank and file and organise information and understand where we fit into the scheme of things.
I think if we can be more aware of how we are comparing ourselves, we can take back some control and use it to our advantage. There is no denying that we all do it, so if you tell yourself you don’t, then you’re kidding yourself. Comparison can also be a liar who says your best won’t ever be good enough. Especially in the world of Instagram realities, measuring your success through comparison is an easy way to feel unhappy.
The best way to stop comparison’s green monster from taking hold is to focus on your own path. Use that comparison energy for your own life. You can learn to redirect the comparison to a past and a present self and keep the comparison within.
“We last longer if we compete against ourselves for the good of others instead of competing against others for the good of ourselves.”
—Simon Sinek
What are you doing today that you couldn’t have done five, three, or even one year ago?
We are always becoming more. Who you are today is a result of the decisions you made yesterday. We are always in a state of creation if we choose to be. And be sure to be kind to yourself. This is radical self motivation in the most nurturing way with positive self talk and behaviours. Ask yourself these questions if you need some prompting;
- What new decisions have you made or what new actions have you taken that have resulted in you moving in a new direction in your life?
- How has your life improved?
- How have you improved?
- What have you done recently that you never thought you could do?
- How are you doing more of what you said you were going to do and shown up more consistently for your own success?
Celebrate other people’s successes
Through community we can expand our individual shared identities. We are separate AND one community, and through each other, we learn more about ourselves. Nurturing relationships can help us see our interior world in the larger context and a shared space can be a platform to lift off from and come back to when needed.
Let’s stop comparing ourselves to each other and start competing with ourselves and cheer on one another from the sidelines.
How do you compete with yourself? Would love to hear from you.
by Dani Trudeau
Pain is always personal
by Dani Trudeau
It has been a bit of a tough month. I have not been well and in pain and after a load of tests and scans, I still don’t know what is causing it all. That being said, it has taught me a few good things too. Before I sound overly dramatic, I just want to say that I am grateful for my health, albeit not brilliant at this very moment, as for as I know it is nothing serious. Like most experiences outside our norm, it is an opportunity to wake us up and take notice of what we do have.
As darkness helps us see the light, I think pain helps us see the joy. Being in A&E for 8 hours last week and witnessing the pain of others, I felt really sad. I felt sorry for myself but also for others; those alone, the young guy passed out, the elderly woman being ignored. It also showed me how ill prepared we are for loss and vulnerability and how our default coping mechanism is often denial. The systems we live and work in don’t support us very well most of the time. I was just outside the nurses station and it was clear that they work within a system which dictates that patients are moved or discharged by a certain time. They had up to 4 hours to move me out of A&E. Unfortunately, they moved me up to the surgical ward with little communication and I was prepped for surgery without knowing what was happening. I then waited another 4 hours for the consultant to tell me he didn’t know what was going on and to go home.
I understand why these ‘efficient’ systems are implemented and can be useful. Something happens though when the system because more important than the work. It must be far less satisfying for those healthcare workers to work for the system instead of the patient as well. From my perspective, I felt hugely disconnected on a human level. There are parts of ourselves that the conventional health care system isn’t equipped to heal or nourish, adding to our suffering.
There was a moment when I was being rolled out of A&E and up to the surgical op ward when I looked over at the man in the next room, bent over, watery eyes and in obvious pain. I quickly looked away and then thought about hearing the nurse comment about how he knows him (in a “oh yeah I know Dave” kind of way). Did that comment make me less empathetic to his suffering. Did I not want to see his suffering or did I at some level, not even believe it. I felt horrible about this. How can I accept suffering and not get tripped up by my own discomfort around it. In fact, maybe that is what some of the healthcare workers have to do to cope with the daily onslaught of other’s suffering.
I love what palliative care expert, BJ Miller, MD has to say on the topic. “First, let’s all get better at being vulnerable because we are vulnerable. If you’re in the course of a normal life, any one of us is going to be a burden to someone sometime. It’s just not possible to only give care and not need to receive it. Getting more savvy with needing one another is one way to turn down the pain.”
After getting home, it took me a day and some serious self talk to get me out of feeling utterly shite. No one could help me and maybe somehow I was making this all happen or making this up? I had to remind myself that normal scans and tests were a good thing and that I had to just keep checking in with how I felt and asking more questions. I had to remember to trust myself and that the body doesn’t lie. And although most of us don’t know when we are going to die, we are all dying.
The more intimate we get with the idea of dying, the closer we come to folding it into the fabric of our daily lives, the better off we’ll all be, Miller says. Advice on how to die well is really no more than advice on how to live well, with that unavoidable reality in mind.
My takeaways-
- Take care and advocate for yourself
- Connect in to others to find support
- Seize any opportunity for learning, even when it’s not obvious
- Suffering is a teacher of something if you are open to a lesson
- Pain is always personal and those individual lessons are the greatest lessons
- The only way out is through.
It’s Bigger than You
by Dani Trudeau
Perspective taking and the unfolding of inner life; what does that mean and why bother? Ultimately we all part of the same systems; we interact, conform, resist, seek out connection and have a desire to find our place of belonging. Unfortunately, we are living in a time of many broken and out-dated systems. We have a dated educational system, a broken food chain and career pathways which no longer serve us well. So why is it so hard to change systems to better suit us?
Systems change is about addressing the root causes of social problems, which are often intractable and embedded in networks of cause and effect. It is an intentional process designed to fundamentally alter the components and structures that cause the system to behave in a certain way. Systems thinking also requires an acceptance of unpredictability and loss of control that runs counter to most models of leadership and accountability.
I think we can make these big system changes best by starting with ourselves. When setting up or running your enterprise, ask yourself these questions;
Are we as open as we claim to be?
Are we as courageous as we ask others to be?
Do we bear as much risk as we ask grantees to hold?
Are we as humble as we should be?
Are we sharing power?
Are we sharing learning as much we should?
For an individual to become ‘more conscious’ is a story of personal growth, not ever easy but always worth it.
Best said by the folks at Perspectiva, “When we develop a deeper reflexive awareness of the ways in which we are shaped, when we start to commit to such processes together, we can speak of a more conscious society – a collective effort to see our challenges in their fullness, and thereby live larger and less deluded lives. When a critical mass of people ‘grow’ in consciousness in this way we can speak of a collective awakening.”
This collective responsibility coupled with personal attention to individual growth is powerful. It no longer gives any airtime to the ridiculous notion that working on yourself is somehow selfish. It is your duty to tend to your soul and your soul contributes to the whole.
#Me too Reflections
-Dani Trudeau
Let’s not call that toxic masculinity. Saying “toxic masculinity” implies that masculinity is the core problem here, and suggests that a tiny bit of masculinity might also be a tiny bit poisonous. Using the word masculinity suggests that all men have a toxic core. I don’t buy that. What we’re seeing in the Sociopathic Baby-Man bestrides the world of ordinary men like a colossus. It’s more important than ever to make this distinction.-by Heather Havrilesky,
Read her full article -Don’t Call It ‘Toxic Masculinity.’ They’re Sociopathic Baby-Men
The past week or so has been interesting to experience, watch, partake and converse about. From the #Me Too ‘campaign’ (although here is a link to the original campaign which did not come from Alyssa Milano), to the media and public’s reactions to Weinstein, to the conversations around raising our sons and daughters, changing our language away from the victims and put the emphasis on the aggressor or the one abusing their power. If you haven’t been thinking and speaking about it, even just a little, maybe you should.
I have struggled with the phrases; boys will be boys and extreme male to define some ‘masculine’ behaviours. I don’t want the males I know and love to be put in the category of masculine if they have to stand next to the power-hungry, human-destroying, women-fearing, pussy-grabbing, consume-at-all costs, kind of men. Maybe the best term for them is sociopathic baby-men-I am not quite convinced but I get what she is saying. We definitely need to stop calling it masculinity. I for one want to raise a strong, empathetic, human loving son. I want him to be able to cry, love and feel deeply for all living things. I don’t want him to have to imagine an unfamiliar women is me or his sister when he is older and partying at a club to be able to not mistreat her. I want his deep respect for all humans lead his decision making. This sounds so basic but it seems not to be our current norm. Culturally we live in a world where we normalise abuse, we accept world leaders who brag of the dominance over women, we use language which puts all of the burden on the victims. (I recommend reading this, Don’t Talk to Your Sons About Sex – Talk About This Instead).
So why is it so hard to stand up to these types of people and why do people silently watch these men abuse their power? Better question, why have I let several men abuse their power over me? This is obviously complicated and highly personal but I bet the story is very, very common. The world tells us to be quiet, to not make a big deal of things, to get over it, move on. This is part of the problem. From older kids, teachers, ‘friends’, bosses, ex partners, strangers; I can actually think of endless examples of men thrusting their attempts of power over me. Some of these attempts have landed with serious actions and have been followed by life changing views of myself. This is powerful stuff. We need to reset our baseline of acceptability. All of us. This is the time to believe victims- it is not easy to come forward.
There are so many little ways the balance of power is played out in what some might consider small incidents.
I can actually give an example which happened just last week. I received a creepy, unsolicited instagram message from someone I do not really know. I met him once at a café a few years ago. The text was about a dream he had and was extremely creepy, ended with I love you and was totally out of the blue. I ignored it at first, thinking that it must have been sent by mistake. Then I remembered my friend saying she thought he was shady so shared it with her. Instantly she was angry and wanted to take action. This happens when you doubt yourself a bit. My friend doubted herself enough not to confront him at the time. She just avoided him and moved on. When someone does something a little off but does it in such a way that you question yourself. These are skilful predators. This is one reason why we must not respond to ourselves or to others with anything but support in the first instance. But we don’t. Even as I wrote this paragraph, there were doubting thoughts about what others might think. Will some folk think that there must be more to the story; that I must have done something to warrant such message. Nope. I did nothing, absolutely nothing.
My friend immediately rallied trusted troops (men actually) and instantly they all had my back. After a few ideas of how to best handle this, one friend wrote a suggested response. It was perfect. It was strong, confident, took-no-blame- perfect. This made me feel loved, protected, justified and in power.
It also made me think of all of the times when people didn’t respond this way. Feeling false guilt, shame, blame and deeply damaged is exacerbated when people don’t believe your pain or your truths. Sadly, I think the majority of people respond badly, if at all, to these types of situations. Let’s change this. Let’s not make it a female/male thing. Let’s look at all of us in the confusion as humans. How do we treat fellow humans? We should want better for ourselves and for our fellow humans. The time is way past now to make it all of our responsibility.
For me, I am making more of an effort to think of all of us as humans too. I am trying to stop saying ‘all men…’ After all, we all have different experiences and although I have been hurt more often and deeper by men in my past, I have also loved many men. I too need to see past the gender and look at the person.
Here is an excellent blog post by columnist, Courtney E. Martin, For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies. “A world this riddled with sexual harassment and abuse will never be healed by a hashtag, that’s for sure. Yet, this moment could be the first one that you choose to do something different, to lay the first brick in a world that is built differently, a world safe for women’s bodies and men’s feelings, a world worthy of everyone’s wholeness”.
And to the creep sending messages to women you don’t know, I am really not sure how to help you and more importantly, how to stop you from deceiving and preying on women. For a start, read the article at the top and understand the part you play in it all. Secondly, I believe this is really about fear and violence. It sadly makes up the fabric of our world and nothing less than the dismantling of our current systems, a complete discrediting of what we now consider power, will compel the sweeping change we so badly need to see.
And to my friends, you rock. I wish everyone out there had you guys behind them.
Tribe Perks
We have completed the last of our in house training for Tribe members- all made possible from Bounce’s generous donation last year.
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