From Small Beginnings to a Thriving Community
Small Beginnings
Tribe Porty was bootstrapped into existence with just £10,000 from an Awards for All grant. That tiny seed allowed us to create rooms, hallways, secure entries, windows, and fireproofing, just enough to begin.
I was still working full-time, quietly piecing it together in every spare moment: applying for social enterprise grants, writing business plans, pitching, painting walls, and reaching out to local people and groups who might share the vision.
We launched Tribe alongside TEDxPortobello: Seeing Things Differently. After eleven months of hard work, pitching, borrowing, and asking for every kind of help imaginable, we sold out in under three minutes and streamed to 139 countries. It was epic, a genuine community effort in every sense.
“Not all things grow loud. Some grow steady, wide, deep, and full of meaning.”
Finding Our Ground
When Earthy tried to sell their business, and our lease with it, without telling us, we knew we needed more security. Thankfully, our landlord, a local who believes in good things happening in Portobello, gave us the chance to take over the whole building in 2018.
It needed everything: new doors, windows, central heating, kitchen, toilets. We took out a loan with Social Investment Scotland to make it possible. We’re proud to say we’ve finally paid it all off. We were also 3 years in and had a healthy and growing community so expanding was very welcome.
A Decade in the Making
Eleven years ago, Tribe was just an idea, born while setting up Trade School Edinburgh with Johanna Holtan and working with SENSCOT, the Social Entrepreneurs Network Scotland. Ten years ago, it was an empty, chaotic building needing skips and imagination. By 2018, we were still recovering from the aftermath of Earthy’s collapse.
With no funds to begin, we built Tribe piece by piece from donated and reclaimed materials. Every table, wall, and floorboard tells a story. Every inch of Tribe has been shaped, and reshaped by hand.
Built by Many Hands and Big Hearts
For a decade, I’ve had the joy of working with the same team of joiners, painters, electricians, plasterers, and plumbers. They’ve poured so much care into Tribe that it feels like theirs too, and I love that.
Every inch of Tribe has been shaped by community. Just as the building has been built by its people, so too has its spirit. Tribe has always been about belonging, a place where you can walk through the door and feel at home, whether it’s for a day, a week, or a decade.
This milestone marks ten years of something that’s never been flashy or headline-grabbing, but deeply meaningful. It also marks a personal one for me: I’ve now lived exactly half my life in America and half here in Scotland. Being an immigrant is complicated, but it’s also a gift.
I arrived in Scotland on a work permit to help establish a company delivering applied behaviour analysis, something new here but well known at UCLA. Later, I gained an HSMP visa and eventually indefinite leave to remain. Half my life has been lived here, and Tribe Porty has been a big part of why it feels like home.
Finding Home & Community
Growing up, I was quiet, one or two close friends, shy until my twenties. When I moved to Edinburgh, someone introduced me to her circle and suddenly I was surrounded by people. For the first time, I felt adopted into a community and it changed me.
That feeling of connection has been at the heart of Tribe since day one. When we launched TEDxPortobello in 2015, I was again surrounded by extraordinary volunteers and speakers. Tribe and TEDx have brought countless generous, kind, and creative people into my life.
“To know you matter to others, and that they matter to you, that’s everything.”
Standing on Its Own And Doing Small Things With Love
Today, Tribe is fully self-sustaining. We receive no government funding, we proudly pay corporation tax, and we employ a small, brilliant team. Tribe stands as proof of what can happen when people show up with purpose and care.
Members may come and go, but once you’ve been part of Tribe, you’re always part of its story. Old faces and new ones together weave the fabric of who we are. We often underestimate how powerful it is to feel part of something positive; to know you belong and that your presence matters.
Tribe has always been more than the sum of its parts. Every person adds something essential, and in doing so, becomes essential.
My very first Tribe business cards read: Do small things with love. I still believe in that. Tribe Porty isn’t a multimillion-pound enterprise, but it’s rich in meaning.
Tribe was never about me, it’s about everyone. Every person who has passed through our doors has left a mark. The one who recommended Tribe to a friend. The one who organised a dinner. The one who quietly invited others in. Together, we’ve built something lasting.
Looking Ahead
As we enter winter and the close of our tenth year, Tribe begins a new chapter. It’s an uncertain time for small businesses, and yet, the need for community and genuine, in-person connection has never been greater.
For ten years, Tribe has been a place to pull up a chair, share ideas, break bread, and build connections that last far beyond these walls. Around our tables, friendships have formed, collaborations have taken root, and a community has flourished.
Beyond One Person
It feels good, and deeply right, to know Tribe is strong without me. That’s always been the point: to create something that could stand, grow, and evolve on its own.
Tribe is now its own living thing. Each new person changes it, strengthens it, and carries it forward.
So, thank you. To everyone who has helped build Tribe into what it is today, and what it is still becoming. Not all things grow loud. Some grow steady, wide, deep, and full of meaning.
With love and gratitude,
Dani
As always we’d love to connect and hear your thoughts. As we look ahead to the next 10 years, we’d love to know: What would you love to see more of in the future of Tribe Porty?
Sign up to our newsletter to keep up to date with all things Tribe. To find out more about joining Tribe Porty click here.
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Beyond Pride: Spaces at Home and Away
Pride Month is upon us, and I’ve been reflecting. As a proud member of the LGBTQ+ community, I’ve been spending a lot of time recently thinking about the importance of inclusive, positive, and proactive community spaces.
Inclusive Spaces
A couple of weeks ago I went to the launch of Lonely Planet’s new LGBTQ+ Travel Guide. Until recently, if you wanted to know which parts of a city or country were safe, or where you could actually relax and be yourself, you had to rely on word of mouth – tips from friends, stories from the community, or scouring online forums. It always felt like you had to be part detective just to plan a trip.
So seeing such a major travel brand put out a guide that is packed with practical info and shaped by Queer voices from around the world is huge. What sets this guide apart is each destination is introduced by local LGBTQ+ residents who share personal insights, recommendations for queer-friendly businesses, cultural highlights and must visit spots. It’s not just about where to go, but how to feel safe, seen, and celebrated when you get there. Sitting down with my girlfriend, flipping through these pages and reading about places where our community thrives – it’s a whole new beautiful feeling.
Work & home
And it’s not just about feeling safe when we travel, it’s also about feeling safe on our doorsteps – and that includes at work, and in co-working spaces. When you walk into a workspace you want to know you can bring your whole self to the table without worrying about judgement, discrimination, or having to hide who you are. Safety isn’t just about physical security, it’s about emotional and psychological comfort too. There’s something powerful about being surrounded by people who get it, where you can chat over coffee, lunch, or just get on with work knowing you’re in a space that has your back.
Why does this matter? Because when you feel safe, you’re free to focus on work, be creative and build genuine connections. Studies show that LGBTQ+ safe environments foster a culture where people can embrace their true identities, leading to stronger community bonds, higher job satisfaction and more opportunities for collaboration and growth, unlocking potential. Places that empower LGBTQ+ professionals to thrive, innovate, prioritise inclusivity and safety are vital.
Inclusivity in coworking spaces
Coworking spaces, such as our very own Tribe Porty, have the opportunity to not just offer a desk and wifi, but to be real hubs of belonging for the LGBTQ+ community. It’s more than just having flags up in June (although that is lovely!), it’s making sure there are clear policies against discrimination, having gender neutral toilets, hosting LGBTQ+ events, and having staff who genuinely get what inclusion means. Another really important thing is listening to LGBTQ+ members, inviting us into the conversation and being open to change as needs evolve.
At Tribe Porty, fostering an inclusive and welcoming environment for the LGBTQ+ community starts with small but meaningful actions. Visible signs of support, like Pride flags, and collaborating with Porty Pride, using inclusive language across our platforms, and having gender-neutral facilities help signal that all identities are respected and celebrated here. We are committed to policies that protect against discrimination based on gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation, and we’re intentional about using gender-inclusive language and inviting members to share pronouns if they feel comfortable.
Creating Inclusive Culture
Inclusion also means cultivating a community culture where LGBTQ+ members feel seen, valued, and supported. We aim to reflect diverse voices in our events and storytelling year-round, offering space for conversations, creativity, and connection. We’re always listening and learning, welcoming feedback from our community and making space for continuous reflection and growth. Because true inclusivity isn’t a checklist. It’s an ongoing, collective effort rooted in care.
When spaces do that, they become places where we can all show up as ourselves, connect, create and feel right at home. Which ultimately is what community is all about.
Soapbox: Story Sessions
Soapbox and Tribe Porty are delighted to welcome you to another evening of Story Sessions! Join us on June 6th from 6pm for an evening of storytelling—a space to gather, connect, and be inspired by true stories from our community. Story Sessions is all about sharing real experiences: a place where voices are heard and celebrated.
This month, as part of Porty Pride, we’re shining a light on Queer Joy; a celebration of living authentically, loving boldly, and finding happiness in both the everyday and extraordinary moments of queer life. It’s about the moments that make us feel safe, loved, and empowered, and about the community that surrounds us with acceptance and support.
Storytelling is one of the oldest ways we connect as humans. Stories have the power to make us laugh, cry, reflect, and feel less alone. Through sharing and listening, we make sense of the world and discover authentic connection with each other.
Whether you come to share your story or simply to listen, you’ll find a welcoming community ready to embrace and uplift you.
Click here to find out more and book your spot.
Summer Party 2025
Join us for a day of creativity, live music, and great food at Tribe Porty!
Mark your calendars for Saturday, 7th June, as Tribe Porty comes alive with a vibrant mix of workshops, live performances, and delicious food. This free, family-friendly event is open to all. This year, Edinburgh Tool Library will be opening the workshop up for a special pride workshop in support of Porty Pride.
During the hands-on workshop you’ll craft your very own pride noise makers. In this 45-minute session, you’ll be invited to create a wooden ratchet noise maker – before painting your creation in brilliant rainbow colours at our decorating station!
Whether you’re a seasoned maker or have never stepped foot in a workshop, this family-friendly activity welcomes everyone to express themselves and join in the Porty Pride celebrations.
Please note: Booking is only required to make a ratchet noise maker. We will be operating a free, drop-in simple bell-and-ribbon wand making session from 10am-2pm which is suitable for all ages, where booking is not required.
Find out more here.
Thanks for reading,
Ellie
Thanks for reading. As always we’d love to connect and hear your thoughts. As we look ahead to the next 10 years, we’d love to know: What would you love to see more of in the future of Tribe Porty?
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Holding Space
Meet Loretta
We wanted to take this month’s blog as an opportunity to introduce you to Life Celebrant, Death Doula and friend of Tribe, Loretta Dunn. Loretta has a special interest in living well and dying well. Her journey so far has included a long career in nursing and midwifery, she is a member of The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath and Death, and an EASE Facilitator (end of life aid skills for everyone) with the Scottish Partnership for Palliative Care. She is passionate about bringing death out of the shadows as a means of helping us to live our best life in the present moment.
Compassion and love are at the heart of her work. Loretta recently reached out to us to express her interest in running The Death Curious Cafe at Tribe Porty. Simply put, this gathering is an open invitation to gather and discuss mortality in a supportive and progressive way.
What is a Death Cafe?
Death Cafes first launched in Switzerland in 2004 and have since spread around the world. This has been encouraged through a growing number of folks moving towards death positivity and away from death denial. The key of this is that through understanding and welcoming our own mortality we improve the quality of our lives. As a society, it is more valuable than ever to hold space for conversations about death. A survey by the charity Dying Matters reveals that more than 70 per cent of us are uncomfortable talking about death and that less than a third of us have spoken to family members about end-of-life wishes.
Holding Space
In the UK, the topic of death is avoided due to a combination of cultural, psychological, and social factors. Many of us not only fear death itself but the potential pain, loss of control, and uncertainty it brings. Psychologically, people often engage in death denial to shield themselves from these anxieties.
In the book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, the authors and researchers challenge traditional views on grief which emphasise the need for detachment. The authors argue that grief is not about “letting go”. Rather it is about finding a new way to incorporate the presence of the deceased into one’s life. This could be in the form of personal rituals, keeping mementos and maintaining an inner dialogue with the loved one.
You can see this approach manifest itself through modern technology with the keeping of ‘memorial profiles’. Continuing bonds and having open dialogue around death has become an essential part of death doulas work and perhaps an important key to reopening the conversation around death and grief.
“The goal of grief is not to sever bonds, but to reweave them into the fabric of life.”-Continuing Bonds
The importance of community
There are many cultures that have religious or spiritual rituals that provide the building blocks for both accepting and preparing for death. In the past, even in the UK, death was a communal experience with both community members and family taking an active role in end-of-life care and rituals. Philosophical traditions, such as Stoicism or Buddhism, death is seen as an inevitable part of life, and whether it happens early or late is simply a fact of existence, not necessarily a matter of fairness.
Due to the breakdown of close-knit community structures and families often living far apart, death has been removed from everyday life and conversation. Thus encouraging an environment where it is easier to avoid and therefore removing any sentiment of acceptance or feelings of fairness.
Advances in medical technology have also shifted the perception of death to be something that can and should be delayed. In the UK the percentage of people who died in hospital in 2022 was 43.4%. Arguably this contributes to the notion that death is something to be resisted or “fixed,” rather than embraced as a natural end.
Of course the practice of guidance is not new and death is not an unknown phenomenon. A certified end-of-life doula, Christy Marek suggests that the lack of community ties in today’s society has led to the lack of conversations around death and resulted in the overwhelming need to contract a trained professional.
“In America, a few generations ago, our communities were doing this work,” she said. “The reason the role is showing up in a formalised way now is that we don’t have those community ties any more, not in the same way, and certainly not the same level of responsibility to each other as used to be woven into our communities.”- Christy Marek
The place of a Doula
Doulas help to relive these challenges and open up the conversation in a relaxed and informal way. Something we must also consider is that death denial is the overwhelming norm, our individual wishes for end of life care are not considered until late on. The result is that people struggle to have their wishes fulfilled.
All of the above contributes to a whole host of anxieties, the biggest problem being that we will never achieve a “good death”, one that aligns with our own values, desires and needs. This is a big conversation and one that cannot be fixed into one blog post, but we can certainly hold the space for it. When we are willing to take responsibility for our life, we can make peace with death.
An invitation to hold space
Join Loretta for our first Death Cafe on 24/10/24, she will also be joining us at Tribe for Social Lunch on 03/10/24. This will be a safe environment for sharing and exploring a deeper understanding of spiritual wellbeing for living well to die well over tea, coffee and cake. This is a pay-what-you-can event with a £5 suggested donation. Click here to find out more and book your space.
“Love has triumphed from the enfoldment of my inner circle—my closest friends and family. Engaging in open conversations about life and death has woven tighter bonds among us. Death, a shared human experience often wrapped in silence, has become a pivotal topic of our discussions. Through this, I’ve gained invaluable insights about the inevitable but more so about how to live.”-Dani Trudeau on conversations about death
Thanks for reading,
Alice
Read more: Exploring the evolution of grief & Living longer
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Do good, Feel Good
This January, Tribe Porty has partnered with Vintage Vibes, an award-winning project tackling isolation and loneliness in Edinburgh. Volunteering has enormous benefits to our mental health, our communities and our local economy.
Why volunteering is good for your health
There’s a common misconception that volunteering is a completely selfless act and that you are some kind of superhero if you volunteer. It might surprise you to know that volunteering has some surprising major health benefits. Volunteering is good for your health and community. So it is something you might want to consider adding into your self-care routine.
Studies show volunteering helps improve your mental health and wellbeing. Helping other people triggers a release of the hormone oxytocin. This hormone has the effect of boosting your mood and counteracts the effects of cortisol aka the stress hormone in your body. When oxytocin begins to flow, blood pressure decreases, reducing social fears and anxiety.
Giving an hour or so a week can act as a circuit breaker to the everyday stress of work and home life. It can give you a change of scenery, the opportunity to talk to different people, more structure to your week and allow you to build confidence or learn a new skill. It can also help you reset and appreciate what is important in life by giving you more self-awareness when starting to sweat the small stuff.
Vintage Vibes
Nicky Shallcross is the Volunteer Recruiter for Edinburgh based Vintage Vibes, a project working to combat loneliness amongst over 60s by creating 1:1 friendships between volunteers.
Nicky explains her motivation for volunteering…
“After starting my own business in 2022, I started to feel lonely working from home on my own. I’d gone from a busy head office environment to working alone and being all departments. I realised that you don’t have to be elderly or living on your own to feel like this, it’s surprising at how quickly this can happen to anyone. I was familiar with Vintage Vibes and their work from their annual Christmas Card campaign. It made sense to help someone else who was feeling lonely too by becoming a Friendship Volunteer.
I completed my volunteer training, the Vintage Vibes team then set about finding me a “VIP” who had similar interests to me. For the past year I’ve visited my 85 year old friend Sheila every week for an hour or so. We talk about anything and everything and are always giggling. My family live down south so there is something grounding and familiar having someone who is older to talk to. She’s warm, caring and dispenses no nonsense advice just like my Grandparents used to. I always come away from our visits with a sense of calm.
Sheila never ceases to amaze me with her constant curiosity on what’s going on in the world. In the summer she went on a girl’s weekend to Blackpool and enjoyed watching the Glastonbury coverage. Her highlight was Elton John, she said she turned the volume up and had a dance around her living room. Aging is natural part of life; I really hope I’m as sprightly as her when I’m older.
I’ve taken Sheila to local places close to where she lives that she didn’t realise were there. She loves the Edinburgh Printworks and Grow Urban plant cafe. The staff recognise her and chat, it makes her feel seen and included. For Sheila’s 85th birthday we went to Maison De Moggy, sadly she had to give up her beloved cat during the pandemic and misses her dearly. Despite personally not being a big cat lover, we had so much fun! I really felt that feel good feeling seeing her so happy.
Volunteering has personally given me a massive boost to my own mental health and was exactly what I needed. I’ve made a friend and got to meet so many amazing people. It’s even led to a part time job opportunity with the charity so you never know what good things volunteering can lead to.”
Fighting isolation
According to a 2021 study conducted by Age Scotland, more than 200,000 older people in Scotland are lonely. This study found that 10% of people over 50 feel lonely all or most of the time. Age UKs follow up 2022 study highlights that right now in Scotland loneliness among older people is at record levels. 100,000 older people say they feel lonely all or most of the time. Two years of Covid lockdowns and living under restrictions which prevented older people seeing family and friends have left countless older people feeling acutely alone.
The Scottish Government have identified that social isolation and loneliness are significant public health concerns in Scotland. Loneliness is linked to increased risk of poor health and reduced life expectancy. A Connected Scotland – a strategy for building stronger social connections and reducing social isolation and loneliness hopes to address this. Volunteering plays a key part in the plan to help achieve this. Volunteering at Vintage Vibes can supports both health and community.
Community impact
Government funding cuts to services combined with the cost of living and the fallout from the pandemic mean charities are under more pressure than ever. Charities must now deliver critical community support services that local authorities cannot. Volunteers are pivotal to being able to do this.
In addition to the benefits for individuals, volunteering can also have a positive impact on local communities. According to Volunteer Scotland, volunteers contribute an estimated £2.26 billion to the Scottish economy each year. Volunteering can also help build stronger, more connected communities by bringing people of all generations together.
If you’re interested in varying your week, consider volunteering as way to do this as well as making someone else’s. Volunteer Edinburgh is a great resource for finding volunteer opportunities in your area to fit around your schedule and support organisations that align with your values, more information can be found here. If you’d like to find out more about becoming a Vintage Vibes Friendship Volunteer, please visit their website here.
Thanks for reading,
Nicky Shallcross, Volunteering Coordinator at Vintage Vibes.
An evening with Vintage Vibes
For our first Tribe Talks of the year we are collaborating with Vintage Vibes. Join us on 25th January from 18:30 for a fun evening hosted by volunteer coordinator, Nicky Shallcross.
Vintage Vibes is an award-winning project tackling isolation and loneliness in Edinburgh. The project, a partnership between LifeCare Edinburgh and Space at the Broomhouse Hub, started in 2015 as a fresh new way to combat isolation and loneliness among over 60s (called VIPs) in Edinburgh.
Vintage Vibes creates long lasting one-to-one friendships offering support, companionship and the opportunity for lonely VIPs to be more socially connected and active in their local community. Vintage Vibes are looking for volunteers of all ages (17+) from across Edinburgh.
This is a great opportunity to break the ice with Vintage Vibes and find out more about their work as well as how to volunteer. Nicky will introduce you to Vintage Vibes and their work and answer any questions about volunteering or how to refer someone who may benifit from their service.
Join us for a tea and a sweet treat, click here for more information and to register.
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Embrace Equity
International Women’s Day is on the 8th of March. This years theme is Embrace Equity. But what does equity mean and how do we embrace something that isn’t always there?
What is Equity?
“An equitable outcome is one where every individual from every demographic has the opportunity to reach their full potential resulting in more economic opportunity for everyone.”
–Imani Dunbar
The simple definition of equity refers to fairness and justice. Whilst it is easy to list it as a synonym to equality, it is in fact a very different matter. Equality fights for the same for everyone, expecting that this will make people equal. However, this wrongly assumes that we all start out in the same place. Inequality affects many people, historically it has and continues to block marginalized communities.
Equality revolves around the concept of fairness, which makes things tricky as it is often assumed that being fair means that everybody should get the same thing. Equality is only fair if we all start with the same things, equality only works in a world where we are all equal to begin with. The only way to truly remove these barriers is through personalized approaches.
The goal of equity is to change systemic and structural barriers that get in the way of people’s ability to thrive. Equity acknowledges that people do not begin life in the same place and unfortunately, evolving circumstances make it increasingly difficult for people to achieve the same goals. Despite leaps of progress, women are still under-represented in the workplace. Even more so, inequality affects people of colour, people with disabilities, economically disadvantaged groups and those in the LGBTQ+ community. This is why equity is so important, peoples experiences are diverse and reach beyond gender.
What does it mean to Embrace Equity?
“ 42% of young women have experienced discrimination whilst working or looking for work. Furthermore, 73% of women experience bias at work—yet less than a third of employees are able to recognize bias when they see it.”
– Young Women’s Trust: Annual Survey 2022
Whether it is deliberate or unconscious, bias makes it not only harder for women to get hired, but it blocks promotion and career progression. Aside from this, it negatively impacts day to day life. Finding connection and support at work is a major challenge. Since most senior leaders are men, women are less likely to have access to mentors who can not only relate to their experiences, but promote important change.
Significant numbers of young women are in precarious financial situations, this hardship is only spurred on in the ongoing cost of living crisis. Young Women’s Trust: Annual Survey 2022 found that 44% of young women have been offered zero hour contracts in 2022, compared to 33% of young men.
Active Allyship in the Workplace
“Women and underrepresented groups alone cannot solve diversity and inclusion problems. An ally is a person who stands up for others to proactively build inclusion in our workplace”
–Rosanna Durruthy
So how do we as individuals, or as employers, managers or coworkers ‘Embrace Equity’ in a system which is flawed? One vital way is to become an active ally. Active Allyship in the workplace means that we as individuals must put in the groundwork to not only examine, but confront personal and systematic bias. When we not only witness, but acknowledge bias we can then build actionable change.
Active Allyship is arguably the most important catalyst to not only build but drive inclusion in our workplaces and communities. It must become a daily practice sustained through not only action, but education. Rosanna Durruthy writes about the importance of connection in order to “explore where you can be creating opportunities, build professional bonds and act as a resource and advocate for others in your professional community”.
Ok things have improved over time, but this doesn’t mean we should settle. Nor does it mean that we should overlook barriers that disadvantage groups still face. Make the commitment to yourself to become an active ally, ensure that people’s rights are upheld and respected. It is important to create communities that revolve around compassionate accountability. Remember, your perspective will always be limited by your own circumstances and personal biases. Keep listening, sharing and growing and actively drive for inclusive culture. It is only through embracing equity that we can achieve equality.
Get involved with International Women’s Day:
International Women’s Day Events
Tribe Porty: Celebrate International Women’s Day
Keystone Women: Find Your Community
Building an Equitable Workplace Culture For All
Edinburgh Women’s Aid: Challenge 50 Fundraiser
Share your thoughts and keep in touch by signing up to our newsletter below!
Thanks for reading,
Alice.
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Window of Tolerance
Accepting pain in my body for the past 15 months has taught me so much about myself, the way I move through the world, how I have changed over time and who I am yet to become. Before that acceptance came, for 9 months, I kept asking myself and medical professionals what I needed to do to fix it. I have learned a better question is, what is my body trying to communicate and how can I rewire my nervous system?
It has almost been 6 months now that we have all been in lockdown. Not a huge amount of time but definitely significant enough to develop coping strategies and new patterns of thinking. The current pandemic has been traumatic for many. When we experience trauma, it pushes the activation of the nervous system beyond its ability to self-regulate. When a stressful experience pushes the system beyond its limits, it can become stuck on “on.” When a system is overstimulated like this, we can experience anxiety, panic, anger, hyperactivity, and restlessness. A regulated nervous system experiences a stress and calming response throughout the course of a given day. Dr. Dan Siegel of UCLA coined the term “window of tolerance” to describe this space in which we can regulate ourselves without too much effort.
How can you discharge the traumatic stress and transition back into the window of the regulated nervous system? Understanding the function of how people are responding and what may be needed to effectively shift this emotional state is critical for finding effective strategies to shift arousal that don’t lead to further harm to self or others or leave the individual with a sense of shame. This can be referred to as a false refuge in that it provides the “illusion” that it is helping but in the end the problem is still there and maybe even bigger and now we have layered on shame, guilt, a sense of failure etc, as we have responded in a way that we didn’t want to.
A “true refuge” is something we do for ourselves that effectively allows us to shift towards our optimal arousal zone while building competencies and taking care of ourselves in a manner that feels good. There are some common strategies but the key is finding what works for you. With schools starting back, it is also a time to observe and support our young people in getting to know their emotions and equipping them with helpful tools. When providing support to others, it is important to recall that trauma is marked by a loss of control, therefore the ability to establish control and experience a sense of safety and empowerment is of priority in the face of real or perceived threat. For more about supporting a young person, check out this article here.
Good Therapy recommends the following tips;
- Seek safe relationships. Being with someone who is safe and soothing will help your nervous system settle and create a safe space for you to connect and share your experience. We are social beings and we heal in relationship, so if you find yourself isolating or pulling away from social contact, consider instead seeking out people who feel supportive.
- Practice mindful breathing. This trauma response is connected to the brain stem (basic physiological regulation) and the limbic (emotional) brain. Practicing mindful breathing helps connect a basic physiological process (breathing) with your prefrontal cortex (thinking brain), which helps integrate and shift our neurological state. To put that more simply: breathing has a HUGE capacity to calm the brain and regulate the nervous system.
For me, I am happy to share that I had a moment of gratitude this week for the consistent lack of pain. All of the breathing, meditation, homeopathy, nutritional support, writing and talking has gotten me to the other side. I have learned some big lessons and am forever changed, although fully aware the journey is far from over. I also know that I could not have done it alone.
So how can we show up for one another right now? In these times of stress and change, can you be that supportive voice, championing another being back into their window of tolerance? We all know that a small act of listening or kindness can make a big difference and now is the perfect time to be that warm face and warm voice.
#Me too Reflections
-Dani Trudeau
Let’s not call that toxic masculinity. Saying “toxic masculinity” implies that masculinity is the core problem here, and suggests that a tiny bit of masculinity might also be a tiny bit poisonous. Using the word masculinity suggests that all men have a toxic core. I don’t buy that. What we’re seeing in the Sociopathic Baby-Man bestrides the world of ordinary men like a colossus. It’s more important than ever to make this distinction.-by Heather Havrilesky,
Read her full article -Don’t Call It ‘Toxic Masculinity.’ They’re Sociopathic Baby-Men
The past week or so has been interesting to experience, watch, partake and converse about. From the #Me Too ‘campaign’ (although here is a link to the original campaign which did not come from Alyssa Milano), to the media and public’s reactions to Weinstein, to the conversations around raising our sons and daughters, changing our language away from the victims and put the emphasis on the aggressor or the one abusing their power. If you haven’t been thinking and speaking about it, even just a little, maybe you should.
I have struggled with the phrases; boys will be boys and extreme male to define some ‘masculine’ behaviours. I don’t want the males I know and love to be put in the category of masculine if they have to stand next to the power-hungry, human-destroying, women-fearing, pussy-grabbing, consume-at-all costs, kind of men. Maybe the best term for them is sociopathic baby-men-I am not quite convinced but I get what she is saying. We definitely need to stop calling it masculinity. I for one want to raise a strong, empathetic, human loving son. I want him to be able to cry, love and feel deeply for all living things. I don’t want him to have to imagine an unfamiliar women is me or his sister when he is older and partying at a club to be able to not mistreat her. I want his deep respect for all humans lead his decision making. This sounds so basic but it seems not to be our current norm. Culturally we live in a world where we normalise abuse, we accept world leaders who brag of the dominance over women, we use language which puts all of the burden on the victims. (I recommend reading this, Don’t Talk to Your Sons About Sex – Talk About This Instead).
So why is it so hard to stand up to these types of people and why do people silently watch these men abuse their power? Better question, why have I let several men abuse their power over me? This is obviously complicated and highly personal but I bet the story is very, very common. The world tells us to be quiet, to not make a big deal of things, to get over it, move on. This is part of the problem. From older kids, teachers, ‘friends’, bosses, ex partners, strangers; I can actually think of endless examples of men thrusting their attempts of power over me. Some of these attempts have landed with serious actions and have been followed by life changing views of myself. This is powerful stuff. We need to reset our baseline of acceptability. All of us. This is the time to believe victims- it is not easy to come forward.
There are so many little ways the balance of power is played out in what some might consider small incidents.
I can actually give an example which happened just last week. I received a creepy, unsolicited instagram message from someone I do not really know. I met him once at a café a few years ago. The text was about a dream he had and was extremely creepy, ended with I love you and was totally out of the blue. I ignored it at first, thinking that it must have been sent by mistake. Then I remembered my friend saying she thought he was shady so shared it with her. Instantly she was angry and wanted to take action. This happens when you doubt yourself a bit. My friend doubted herself enough not to confront him at the time. She just avoided him and moved on. When someone does something a little off but does it in such a way that you question yourself. These are skilful predators. This is one reason why we must not respond to ourselves or to others with anything but support in the first instance. But we don’t. Even as I wrote this paragraph, there were doubting thoughts about what others might think. Will some folk think that there must be more to the story; that I must have done something to warrant such message. Nope. I did nothing, absolutely nothing.
My friend immediately rallied trusted troops (men actually) and instantly they all had my back. After a few ideas of how to best handle this, one friend wrote a suggested response. It was perfect. It was strong, confident, took-no-blame- perfect. This made me feel loved, protected, justified and in power.
It also made me think of all of the times when people didn’t respond this way. Feeling false guilt, shame, blame and deeply damaged is exacerbated when people don’t believe your pain or your truths. Sadly, I think the majority of people respond badly, if at all, to these types of situations. Let’s change this. Let’s not make it a female/male thing. Let’s look at all of us in the confusion as humans. How do we treat fellow humans? We should want better for ourselves and for our fellow humans. The time is way past now to make it all of our responsibility.
For me, I am making more of an effort to think of all of us as humans too. I am trying to stop saying ‘all men…’ After all, we all have different experiences and although I have been hurt more often and deeper by men in my past, I have also loved many men. I too need to see past the gender and look at the person.
Here is an excellent blog post by columnist, Courtney E. Martin, For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies. “A world this riddled with sexual harassment and abuse will never be healed by a hashtag, that’s for sure. Yet, this moment could be the first one that you choose to do something different, to lay the first brick in a world that is built differently, a world safe for women’s bodies and men’s feelings, a world worthy of everyone’s wholeness”.
And to the creep sending messages to women you don’t know, I am really not sure how to help you and more importantly, how to stop you from deceiving and preying on women. For a start, read the article at the top and understand the part you play in it all. Secondly, I believe this is really about fear and violence. It sadly makes up the fabric of our world and nothing less than the dismantling of our current systems, a complete discrediting of what we now consider power, will compel the sweeping change we so badly need to see.
And to my friends, you rock. I wish everyone out there had you guys behind them.
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