From Small Beginnings to a Thriving Community
Small Beginnings
Tribe Porty was bootstrapped into existence with just £10,000 from an Awards for All grant. That tiny seed allowed us to create rooms, hallways, secure entries, windows, and fireproofing, just enough to begin.
I was still working full-time, quietly piecing it together in every spare moment: applying for social enterprise grants, writing business plans, pitching, painting walls, and reaching out to local people and groups who might share the vision.
We launched Tribe alongside TEDxPortobello: Seeing Things Differently. After eleven months of hard work, pitching, borrowing, and asking for every kind of help imaginable, we sold out in under three minutes and streamed to 139 countries. It was epic, a genuine community effort in every sense.
“Not all things grow loud. Some grow steady, wide, deep, and full of meaning.”
Finding Our Ground
When Earthy tried to sell their business, and our lease with it, without telling us, we knew we needed more security. Thankfully, our landlord, a local who believes in good things happening in Portobello, gave us the chance to take over the whole building in 2018.
It needed everything: new doors, windows, central heating, kitchen, toilets. We took out a loan with Social Investment Scotland to make it possible. We’re proud to say we’ve finally paid it all off. We were also 3 years in and had a healthy and growing community so expanding was very welcome.
A Decade in the Making
Eleven years ago, Tribe was just an idea, born while setting up Trade School Edinburgh with Johanna Holtan and working with SENSCOT, the Social Entrepreneurs Network Scotland. Ten years ago, it was an empty, chaotic building needing skips and imagination. By 2018, we were still recovering from the aftermath of Earthy’s collapse.
With no funds to begin, we built Tribe piece by piece from donated and reclaimed materials. Every table, wall, and floorboard tells a story. Every inch of Tribe has been shaped, and reshaped by hand.
Built by Many Hands and Big Hearts
For a decade, I’ve had the joy of working with the same team of joiners, painters, electricians, plasterers, and plumbers. They’ve poured so much care into Tribe that it feels like theirs too, and I love that.
Every inch of Tribe has been shaped by community. Just as the building has been built by its people, so too has its spirit. Tribe has always been about belonging, a place where you can walk through the door and feel at home, whether it’s for a day, a week, or a decade.
This milestone marks ten years of something that’s never been flashy or headline-grabbing, but deeply meaningful. It also marks a personal one for me: I’ve now lived exactly half my life in America and half here in Scotland. Being an immigrant is complicated, but it’s also a gift.
I arrived in Scotland on a work permit to help establish a company delivering applied behaviour analysis, something new here but well known at UCLA. Later, I gained an HSMP visa and eventually indefinite leave to remain. Half my life has been lived here, and Tribe Porty has been a big part of why it feels like home.
Finding Home & Community
Growing up, I was quiet, one or two close friends, shy until my twenties. When I moved to Edinburgh, someone introduced me to her circle and suddenly I was surrounded by people. For the first time, I felt adopted into a community and it changed me.
That feeling of connection has been at the heart of Tribe since day one. When we launched TEDxPortobello in 2015, I was again surrounded by extraordinary volunteers and speakers. Tribe and TEDx have brought countless generous, kind, and creative people into my life.
“To know you matter to others, and that they matter to you, that’s everything.”
Standing on Its Own And Doing Small Things With Love
Today, Tribe is fully self-sustaining. We receive no government funding, we proudly pay corporation tax, and we employ a small, brilliant team. Tribe stands as proof of what can happen when people show up with purpose and care.
Members may come and go, but once you’ve been part of Tribe, you’re always part of its story. Old faces and new ones together weave the fabric of who we are. We often underestimate how powerful it is to feel part of something positive; to know you belong and that your presence matters.
Tribe has always been more than the sum of its parts. Every person adds something essential, and in doing so, becomes essential.
My very first Tribe business cards read: Do small things with love. I still believe in that. Tribe Porty isn’t a multimillion-pound enterprise, but it’s rich in meaning.
Tribe was never about me, it’s about everyone. Every person who has passed through our doors has left a mark. The one who recommended Tribe to a friend. The one who organised a dinner. The one who quietly invited others in. Together, we’ve built something lasting.
Looking Ahead
As we enter winter and the close of our tenth year, Tribe begins a new chapter. It’s an uncertain time for small businesses, and yet, the need for community and genuine, in-person connection has never been greater.
For ten years, Tribe has been a place to pull up a chair, share ideas, break bread, and build connections that last far beyond these walls. Around our tables, friendships have formed, collaborations have taken root, and a community has flourished.
Beyond One Person
It feels good, and deeply right, to know Tribe is strong without me. That’s always been the point: to create something that could stand, grow, and evolve on its own.
Tribe is now its own living thing. Each new person changes it, strengthens it, and carries it forward.
So, thank you. To everyone who has helped build Tribe into what it is today, and what it is still becoming. Not all things grow loud. Some grow steady, wide, deep, and full of meaning.
With love and gratitude,
Dani
As always we’d love to connect and hear your thoughts. As we look ahead to the next 10 years, we’d love to know: What would you love to see more of in the future of Tribe Porty?
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Reflections & Changes
Celebrating 10 Years of Tribe Porty
We’re halfway through our tenth year at Tribe Porty which is a marker for reflections and changes, what a year it’s been so far! We’ve marked this milestone in true Tribe style, with gatherings full of connection, creativity, and joy.
Our anniversary dinner at Dovecot Studios was nothing short of magical. It was a pleasure to work with POP Conscious Catering who hold values so close to our own. They curated a beautiful meal, family style. The room sparkled with generosity and laughter as our Tribe came together in singing, reading poetry, and celebrating all we’ve built together. The energy was unforgettable, and our team, as always, made it all happen with heart and brilliance.
We also hosted our much-loved annual community summer party. Not even a heavy downpour could dampen the spirit! With the help of Team Oi Musica (and some very quick gazebo-building), we kept the party going. Workshops ran, sketch walks stepped boldly into the rain, and Peter & his trad jig crew quite literally brought out the sunshine. As always, Brass Blast closed the show with a bang. Huge thanks to everyone who joined and contributed, it was, once again, a highlight of the year.
A Time of Changes
Next month, we’ll welcome a new team as we say heartfelt goodbyes to two much-loved members of Tribe.
Debbie is retiring after six wonderful years. She first joined us as a volunteer before becoming Tribe’s first receptionist, a vital role as we expanded and evolved. Debbie has been a constant, a friendly face, and a huge part of our daily rhythm. Here’s what she had to say as she prepares for her next chapter:
“It’s hard to believe that Tribe is 10 years old and I have been part of it for 6 of those years. I am so grateful and blessed to be able to do such a great job with such amazing people.
I can only thank Dani for having faith in me and being so supportive and patient, that also goes for Alice, Ellie, and all the girls I’ve worked with. Thanks also to all the Tribers, past and present, who’ve given me good advice and so many laughs.
BUT mostly I must thank all the gorgeous pups who have made working at Tribe so memorable and made me feel so loved.” – Debbie
Ellie also moves on at the end of June, after a year of energising presence and contribution. Ellie brought a creative spark to our Tribe, most notably with the launch of The Story Sessions, which quickly became a staple of our events calendar. Here’s Ellie in her own words:
“I can’t quite believe we’re here already, but my time at Tribe Porty has come to an end. From my very first day, welcomed with such warmth and a genuine sense of belonging, I knew Tribe was more than just a workplace. It’s a vibrant, ever-evolving community.
What I’ve loved most is the people: the Tribers, the conversations over coffee, in the kitchen, and those one-on-one chats at reception. Sharing ideas, projects, stories, and life’s big and small moments made me feel truly connected.
One highlight has been launching The Story Sessions. A space to gather, listen, and be inspired by real stories from our community. It’s been amazing to see it grow into something that deepens our sense of connection.
Though I’m moving on from the team, I’ll still be around, hosting The Story Sessions bi-monthly, starting again in September after a summer break.
Thank you, Dani, Alice, Debbie, and all the Tribers, for making me feel at home and reminding me of the power of community.”
Reflections & Looking Ahead
At Tribe, it’s always been about the people. Without you, we’re just a building. That’s why we say: once a Triber, always a Triber.
As we say goodbye to Debbie and Ellie, we’re also excited to welcome two new team members, Sonny and Beverly, who will be joining us in July. Please say hello and make them feel right at home!
And there’s more to look forward to. As part of our 10-year celebrations, we’re excited to tease our next series of Tribe Talks, returning this autumn. This special edition will be centred around our core values: Work. Make. Share. Each month we’ll host a themed session to explore and celebrate these ideas in our community. This includes a collaboration with Edinburgh Tool Library. Stay tuned for more details soon!
Thank you for being part of our journey. Here’s to ten years and the many stories, celebrations, and new beginnings still to come.
Thanks for reading,
Alice
As always we’d love to connect and hear your thoughts. As we look ahead to the next 10 years, we’d love to know: What would you love to see more of in the future of Tribe Porty?
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Holding Space
Meet Loretta
We wanted to take this month’s blog as an opportunity to introduce you to Life Celebrant, Death Doula and friend of Tribe, Loretta Dunn. Loretta has a special interest in living well and dying well. Her journey so far has included a long career in nursing and midwifery, she is a member of The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath and Death, and an EASE Facilitator (end of life aid skills for everyone) with the Scottish Partnership for Palliative Care. She is passionate about bringing death out of the shadows as a means of helping us to live our best life in the present moment.
Compassion and love are at the heart of her work. Loretta recently reached out to us to express her interest in running The Death Curious Cafe at Tribe Porty. Simply put, this gathering is an open invitation to gather and discuss mortality in a supportive and progressive way.
What is a Death Cafe?
Death Cafes first launched in Switzerland in 2004 and have since spread around the world. This has been encouraged through a growing number of folks moving towards death positivity and away from death denial. The key of this is that through understanding and welcoming our own mortality we improve the quality of our lives. As a society, it is more valuable than ever to hold space for conversations about death. A survey by the charity Dying Matters reveals that more than 70 per cent of us are uncomfortable talking about death and that less than a third of us have spoken to family members about end-of-life wishes.
Holding Space
In the UK, the topic of death is avoided due to a combination of cultural, psychological, and social factors. Many of us not only fear death itself but the potential pain, loss of control, and uncertainty it brings. Psychologically, people often engage in death denial to shield themselves from these anxieties.
In the book, Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, the authors and researchers challenge traditional views on grief which emphasise the need for detachment. The authors argue that grief is not about “letting go”. Rather it is about finding a new way to incorporate the presence of the deceased into one’s life. This could be in the form of personal rituals, keeping mementos and maintaining an inner dialogue with the loved one.
You can see this approach manifest itself through modern technology with the keeping of ‘memorial profiles’. Continuing bonds and having open dialogue around death has become an essential part of death doulas work and perhaps an important key to reopening the conversation around death and grief.
“The goal of grief is not to sever bonds, but to reweave them into the fabric of life.”-Continuing Bonds
The importance of community
There are many cultures that have religious or spiritual rituals that provide the building blocks for both accepting and preparing for death. In the past, even in the UK, death was a communal experience with both community members and family taking an active role in end-of-life care and rituals. Philosophical traditions, such as Stoicism or Buddhism, death is seen as an inevitable part of life, and whether it happens early or late is simply a fact of existence, not necessarily a matter of fairness.
Due to the breakdown of close-knit community structures and families often living far apart, death has been removed from everyday life and conversation. Thus encouraging an environment where it is easier to avoid and therefore removing any sentiment of acceptance or feelings of fairness.
Advances in medical technology have also shifted the perception of death to be something that can and should be delayed. In the UK the percentage of people who died in hospital in 2022 was 43.4%. Arguably this contributes to the notion that death is something to be resisted or “fixed,” rather than embraced as a natural end.
Of course the practice of guidance is not new and death is not an unknown phenomenon. A certified end-of-life doula, Christy Marek suggests that the lack of community ties in today’s society has led to the lack of conversations around death and resulted in the overwhelming need to contract a trained professional.
“In America, a few generations ago, our communities were doing this work,” she said. “The reason the role is showing up in a formalised way now is that we don’t have those community ties any more, not in the same way, and certainly not the same level of responsibility to each other as used to be woven into our communities.”- Christy Marek
The place of a Doula
Doulas help to relive these challenges and open up the conversation in a relaxed and informal way. Something we must also consider is that death denial is the overwhelming norm, our individual wishes for end of life care are not considered until late on. The result is that people struggle to have their wishes fulfilled.
All of the above contributes to a whole host of anxieties, the biggest problem being that we will never achieve a “good death”, one that aligns with our own values, desires and needs. This is a big conversation and one that cannot be fixed into one blog post, but we can certainly hold the space for it. When we are willing to take responsibility for our life, we can make peace with death.
An invitation to hold space
Join Loretta for our first Death Cafe on 24/10/24, she will also be joining us at Tribe for Social Lunch on 03/10/24. This will be a safe environment for sharing and exploring a deeper understanding of spiritual wellbeing for living well to die well over tea, coffee and cake. This is a pay-what-you-can event with a £5 suggested donation. Click here to find out more and book your space.
“Love has triumphed from the enfoldment of my inner circle—my closest friends and family. Engaging in open conversations about life and death has woven tighter bonds among us. Death, a shared human experience often wrapped in silence, has become a pivotal topic of our discussions. Through this, I’ve gained invaluable insights about the inevitable but more so about how to live.”-Dani Trudeau on conversations about death
Thanks for reading,
Alice
Read more: Exploring the evolution of grief & Living longer
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A warm welcome to Ellie
Exciting news, our team has grown! We are welcoming Ellie to our team and we wanted to take the time to give her a warm welcome and introduction.
Hey, I’m Ellie!
I first came across Tribe when Dani hosted TedxPorty here in 2016 and I volunteered to capture the event. I’d recently moved back to Edinburgh after living in London and it was one of the first community events I was involved with and I loved it. Since then I’ve attended other Tribe events and spent some time co-working. The community at Tribe is so welcoming and inviting that when a role came up it felt serendipitous.
Things that make me smile are a good cup of coffee, spending time with friends and family, hosting Soapbox events, time spent on the beach, dogs in clothes, working at Tribe! I love the community and the environment at Tribe. The way Tribe feels when you come in – everyone is friendly, I really enjoy the art on the walls, it’s a space that breeds belonging and my creativity flows here.
My working life & creative practice
Most of my working life has revolved around connecting with people; as a photographer having the opportunity to meet new people and discover what drives them, what their story is and how they express themselves is what I find endlessly fascinating.
I love, and have spent many seasons, capturing street style at London Fashion Week because I love seeing how people express themselves through personal style. My favourite personal project was one I undertook in 2021 called Love Stories; where I spoke to, and captured, over 100 people about someone, or something, they loved.
I’m currently in the planning stages of my next personal photography project, which I think will revolve around kitchen tables, dinner parties and portraits.
Creating community
My connection to the creative scene led me to CreativeMornings, where I volunteered with the Edinburgh Chapter for a number of years before starting my own event, called Soapbox, last year. We gather on the last Wednesday of every month to blether and meet like minded folk who freelance and are employed in the creative, cultural, tech and digital industries. It’s so lovely to see people come along who are brand new to the creative scene but also have attendees who have been doing it for 20 years. Everyone has something to offer and are there to connect.
Knowing how much being part of a community helped both my personal and professional life was the driving factor in starting Soapbox. Bringing other people together and helping them with their own journey is something that brings me a lot of joy. I’m currently working on the evolution of Soapbox and developing what events, along with our current monthly event, we might host.
I’m really looking forward to hopefully hosting some Soapbox events in collaboration with Tribe, but mostly I’m really happy to be part of Team Tribe and the community that exists here. I really like being part of organisations that are bigger than myself, and that seek to bring community together.
A quote that I love:
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”- Brené Brown
Thanks for reading,
Ellie
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My First Month at Tribe Porty
It seems poignant to follow on from Dani’s last post, The Next step, with my own reflection on my first month at Tribe Porty. This piece of writing became a great opportunity for me to reflect, consider and grow. Starting a new job always comes with a rough terrain of anxieties and worries, especially when you are venturing into new territory. I’ve spent my work life since leaving university dedicated to the hospitality industry. For me, my next big move in hospitality would be to own my own cafe and I was starting to feel the constraints that working in such an industry can have. The Community Manager post felt like it was made for me, this is the only time I’ve felt this way about an opportunity outside of hospitality. It was my next step.
I came into Tribe quietly confident, ready for the challenge. The one thing that I didn’t expect was to find it difficult to engage with people and I felt my confidence stray. I became timid not out of fear, but because it can be difficult to integrate into a community that is already established. Established in the sense of community, but also connecting with people that are distinguished professionally. Here I am, starting anew, amongst all these amazing talents, thinkers and creators and I struggled to see where I fit as a piece of the puzzle. I knew deep down I was more than capable, but I needed to unearth my dormant talents. When I found myself feeling lost or out of depth, I caught myself finding comfort in wiping down tables and cleaning up the kitchen after a little lunch rush. Eventually, I found that this only fuelled the vicious fire that is imposter syndrome. Was I meant to stay in hospitality? I missed the comfort blanket of experience.
However, as I chatted to you all more, and with the support of Dani, I’ve really started to find my feet. My confidence only grows stronger as I settle into the role and become more self-assured in my abilities. It’s been fantastic to awaken my inner writer and artist which has been in hibernation since graduation. I sense that my confidence will really flourish as I take on more projects and see them sprout from a tiny idea to a fully fledged event or gathering.
One of my favourite parts about working for Tribe Porty is how it has changed my work life balance and encouraged a far more nurturing culture. Every morning when I ride my bike in, instead of battling up Easter Road, swerving past vans and buses, I now have the immense pleasure of a gentle cruise along the promenade. In addition, the shift from ‘working late’ to make up a few extra pennies to taking part in meditation classes or gaining a new wealth of knowledge from a Tribe Talk feels like an enormous blessing. It’s so important for your work to work for you, something I feel a lot of people realised during the pandemic and are slowly starting to forget.
Spring feels like a fitting time of the year to have a change in life, not only is it a change of season, but a season in which nature is rebirthed, grows and thrives. I recall a benefit that I found from Lockdown and the world stopping was being able to notice the change in season. The shift from winter to spring felt longer, it felt as though one had time to enjoy it. So whilst I have been caught up in self doubt and anxiety, I am going to remind myself to embrace the change and see it instead as an opportunity to grow. I’m excited to continue this journey with you all and I can’t wait to see where this next step takes me.
If you are looking for a better working life and grow your business with like-minded women, the programme is for you. To get a better idea of Keystone, we have a free check-in checklist and ways to rest worksheet download. The checklist and worksheet are aimed to identify and strengthen your access to your own resources, strengths and vision. Taking rest and creating rituals with intention, will help bring meaning and joy to your daily life. Keystone is open for signups in September, to keep in the loop, sign up to their newsletter.
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Alice
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Pain is always personal
by Dani Trudeau
It has been a bit of a tough month. I have not been well and in pain and after a load of tests and scans, I still don’t know what is causing it all. That being said, it has taught me a few good things too. Before I sound overly dramatic, I just want to say that I am grateful for my health, albeit not brilliant at this very moment, as for as I know it is nothing serious. Like most experiences outside our norm, it is an opportunity to wake us up and take notice of what we do have.
As darkness helps us see the light, I think pain helps us see the joy. Being in A&E for 8 hours last week and witnessing the pain of others, I felt really sad. I felt sorry for myself but also for others; those alone, the young guy passed out, the elderly woman being ignored. It also showed me how ill prepared we are for loss and vulnerability and how our default coping mechanism is often denial. The systems we live and work in don’t support us very well most of the time. I was just outside the nurses station and it was clear that they work within a system which dictates that patients are moved or discharged by a certain time. They had up to 4 hours to move me out of A&E. Unfortunately, they moved me up to the surgical ward with little communication and I was prepped for surgery without knowing what was happening. I then waited another 4 hours for the consultant to tell me he didn’t know what was going on and to go home.
I understand why these ‘efficient’ systems are implemented and can be useful. Something happens though when the system because more important than the work. It must be far less satisfying for those healthcare workers to work for the system instead of the patient as well. From my perspective, I felt hugely disconnected on a human level. There are parts of ourselves that the conventional health care system isn’t equipped to heal or nourish, adding to our suffering.
There was a moment when I was being rolled out of A&E and up to the surgical op ward when I looked over at the man in the next room, bent over, watery eyes and in obvious pain. I quickly looked away and then thought about hearing the nurse comment about how he knows him (in a “oh yeah I know Dave” kind of way). Did that comment make me less empathetic to his suffering. Did I not want to see his suffering or did I at some level, not even believe it. I felt horrible about this. How can I accept suffering and not get tripped up by my own discomfort around it. In fact, maybe that is what some of the healthcare workers have to do to cope with the daily onslaught of other’s suffering.
I love what palliative care expert, BJ Miller, MD has to say on the topic. “First, let’s all get better at being vulnerable because we are vulnerable. If you’re in the course of a normal life, any one of us is going to be a burden to someone sometime. It’s just not possible to only give care and not need to receive it. Getting more savvy with needing one another is one way to turn down the pain.”
After getting home, it took me a day and some serious self talk to get me out of feeling utterly shite. No one could help me and maybe somehow I was making this all happen or making this up? I had to remind myself that normal scans and tests were a good thing and that I had to just keep checking in with how I felt and asking more questions. I had to remember to trust myself and that the body doesn’t lie. And although most of us don’t know when we are going to die, we are all dying.
The more intimate we get with the idea of dying, the closer we come to folding it into the fabric of our daily lives, the better off we’ll all be, Miller says. Advice on how to die well is really no more than advice on how to live well, with that unavoidable reality in mind.
My takeaways-
- Take care and advocate for yourself
- Connect in to others to find support
- Seize any opportunity for learning, even when it’s not obvious
- Suffering is a teacher of something if you are open to a lesson
- Pain is always personal and those individual lessons are the greatest lessons
- The only way out is through.
#Me too Reflections
-Dani Trudeau
Let’s not call that toxic masculinity. Saying “toxic masculinity” implies that masculinity is the core problem here, and suggests that a tiny bit of masculinity might also be a tiny bit poisonous. Using the word masculinity suggests that all men have a toxic core. I don’t buy that. What we’re seeing in the Sociopathic Baby-Man bestrides the world of ordinary men like a colossus. It’s more important than ever to make this distinction.-by Heather Havrilesky,
Read her full article -Don’t Call It ‘Toxic Masculinity.’ They’re Sociopathic Baby-Men
The past week or so has been interesting to experience, watch, partake and converse about. From the #Me Too ‘campaign’ (although here is a link to the original campaign which did not come from Alyssa Milano), to the media and public’s reactions to Weinstein, to the conversations around raising our sons and daughters, changing our language away from the victims and put the emphasis on the aggressor or the one abusing their power. If you haven’t been thinking and speaking about it, even just a little, maybe you should.
I have struggled with the phrases; boys will be boys and extreme male to define some ‘masculine’ behaviours. I don’t want the males I know and love to be put in the category of masculine if they have to stand next to the power-hungry, human-destroying, women-fearing, pussy-grabbing, consume-at-all costs, kind of men. Maybe the best term for them is sociopathic baby-men-I am not quite convinced but I get what she is saying. We definitely need to stop calling it masculinity. I for one want to raise a strong, empathetic, human loving son. I want him to be able to cry, love and feel deeply for all living things. I don’t want him to have to imagine an unfamiliar women is me or his sister when he is older and partying at a club to be able to not mistreat her. I want his deep respect for all humans lead his decision making. This sounds so basic but it seems not to be our current norm. Culturally we live in a world where we normalise abuse, we accept world leaders who brag of the dominance over women, we use language which puts all of the burden on the victims. (I recommend reading this, Don’t Talk to Your Sons About Sex – Talk About This Instead).
So why is it so hard to stand up to these types of people and why do people silently watch these men abuse their power? Better question, why have I let several men abuse their power over me? This is obviously complicated and highly personal but I bet the story is very, very common. The world tells us to be quiet, to not make a big deal of things, to get over it, move on. This is part of the problem. From older kids, teachers, ‘friends’, bosses, ex partners, strangers; I can actually think of endless examples of men thrusting their attempts of power over me. Some of these attempts have landed with serious actions and have been followed by life changing views of myself. This is powerful stuff. We need to reset our baseline of acceptability. All of us. This is the time to believe victims- it is not easy to come forward.
There are so many little ways the balance of power is played out in what some might consider small incidents.
I can actually give an example which happened just last week. I received a creepy, unsolicited instagram message from someone I do not really know. I met him once at a café a few years ago. The text was about a dream he had and was extremely creepy, ended with I love you and was totally out of the blue. I ignored it at first, thinking that it must have been sent by mistake. Then I remembered my friend saying she thought he was shady so shared it with her. Instantly she was angry and wanted to take action. This happens when you doubt yourself a bit. My friend doubted herself enough not to confront him at the time. She just avoided him and moved on. When someone does something a little off but does it in such a way that you question yourself. These are skilful predators. This is one reason why we must not respond to ourselves or to others with anything but support in the first instance. But we don’t. Even as I wrote this paragraph, there were doubting thoughts about what others might think. Will some folk think that there must be more to the story; that I must have done something to warrant such message. Nope. I did nothing, absolutely nothing.
My friend immediately rallied trusted troops (men actually) and instantly they all had my back. After a few ideas of how to best handle this, one friend wrote a suggested response. It was perfect. It was strong, confident, took-no-blame- perfect. This made me feel loved, protected, justified and in power.
It also made me think of all of the times when people didn’t respond this way. Feeling false guilt, shame, blame and deeply damaged is exacerbated when people don’t believe your pain or your truths. Sadly, I think the majority of people respond badly, if at all, to these types of situations. Let’s change this. Let’s not make it a female/male thing. Let’s look at all of us in the confusion as humans. How do we treat fellow humans? We should want better for ourselves and for our fellow humans. The time is way past now to make it all of our responsibility.
For me, I am making more of an effort to think of all of us as humans too. I am trying to stop saying ‘all men…’ After all, we all have different experiences and although I have been hurt more often and deeper by men in my past, I have also loved many men. I too need to see past the gender and look at the person.
Here is an excellent blog post by columnist, Courtney E. Martin, For Guys Reading #MeToo Testimonies. “A world this riddled with sexual harassment and abuse will never be healed by a hashtag, that’s for sure. Yet, this moment could be the first one that you choose to do something different, to lay the first brick in a world that is built differently, a world safe for women’s bodies and men’s feelings, a world worthy of everyone’s wholeness”.
And to the creep sending messages to women you don’t know, I am really not sure how to help you and more importantly, how to stop you from deceiving and preying on women. For a start, read the article at the top and understand the part you play in it all. Secondly, I believe this is really about fear and violence. It sadly makes up the fabric of our world and nothing less than the dismantling of our current systems, a complete discrediting of what we now consider power, will compel the sweeping change we so badly need to see.
And to my friends, you rock. I wish everyone out there had you guys behind them.
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