Grief can be its own unwanted but darkly beautiful cure
Friends who know me now joke about what is going to happen next. Since about September, there has been one thing after another; some small things and some big things and it has felt relentless. And I am tired. Above every other feeling, including deep sadness of losing a father I never really knew, losing a grandmother who has always been a big part of my life, losing a close friend to suicide, which is emotionally complicated beyond words, I feel tired. Which doesn’t seem very insightful and I have been searching for life lessons, transformational changes, but the overwhelming feeling is… tiredness.
Me being me, I have been trying to somewhat force a cognitive realisation. With all this grief, there must be a big lesson to learn, right? It must be a lesson on forgiveness I decided. My parents split up when I was only a year and a half and then my dad moved to Tokyo. I saw him once when I was 5 and 10 years old and a few times in my teens when he lived in NYC. I admit I was angry and sad about him not really being in my life and there was a sense of rejection for sure. However, when I went to see him this summer to say good-bye, there was no anger. I had forgiven him and I was able to think about how he was feeling coming to terms with a terminal illness. He was not ready to go, he had too much unfinished business he said. I felt sadness of missing out on time with him, I wasn’t angry at all anymore. We recorded a Storycorps interview, something I am so thankful for doing. You can listen to it here.
When I heard he had died, I felt this pain deep in my soul, it reached back to my childhood. The grief I felt with his death came from a place somewhere between my stomach and my chest and it went so far back; deep within my body and deep within my memories.
A couple weeks after my dad passed away, my mother facetimed me crying, sitting next to my lifeless grandma, Marge. I recognised this deep sadness in my mother’s eyes and lying in contradiction was her sweet, peaceful mother. Grandma was ready to go, she lived a full life to 94 and had become quite frail and confused for the past few years. The sadness for my grandmother felt very different. It felt high in my chest, almost in my face and there was almost as much gratefulness as sadness when thinking about her. Grandma had helped raised my sister and I when my mum was on her own after leaving my dad in NYC. We moved back to Kadoka, South Dakota and my mum went to nursing school. My sister and I loved hanging out with Grandpa Max and Grandma Marge- they were a lovely couple. They loved to dance and they loved their family; total salt of the earth people. Still now, there are more good feelings than sadness when thinking about her.
Before, during and after all of this were some health problems, a surgery and a week of the most pain I have ever endured after a kidney operation. These things definitely added to my tiredness, especially the pain. Pain is something that needs time to heal. Then just when I was feeling better, I found out a good friend had taken her own life.
I had known Alex for the past 13 years, we met at a swing dance class at Dancebase. She was like no one I had ever met before; she’d already lived a thousand lives. Alex was brilliantly clever, full of big ideas, deeply cared about others and also a little intensely scary at times. She was a good friend and a godmother to my daughter. Alex was bi-polar and I had been with her through some ups and some downs and she always managed these difficulties well. She was super insightful and I trusted her. However, these past 2 years, she was not so great and at times was even horrible. I distanced myself from her, put up some boundaries and we hadn’t spoken since August. Our last contact was an email from Alex saying she was sorry, that she loved me and my family and she wanted to meet up. I could have sworn I had emailed her back to ask when might be good to meet up- however, I have looked for that email and I cannot find it. Maybe I just thought about it, maybe I never sent it? Surely, this is the life lesson I am meant to learn. Tell your friends you love them, don’t get caught up in work too much, forgive, forgive, forgive. Well almost, I have learned about forgiveness with Alex but it has been about me forgiving myself. This has been much harder.
The grief I felt with Alex felt very different again; it was low, ugly, confusing and heavy. I am not sure I could have navigated that grief without the support of her other friends. We all shared a love for Alex and we all knew her well enough to not let any of us take on the responsibility of her choice to depart. Alex loved her friends and we could see this in one another and Alex did have amazing friends who have been with her through these recent hard times.
So my lessons…! Well, lesson 1- life doesn’t work like that! There is no finite takeaway. There are so, so many and they are still being discovered and imagine will continue to teach me for a good long while. I do know that I need to listen to my body, explore the parts of the body where the trauma lives and heal through love, movement, awareness and forgiveness. I need to take the time to keep these people in my life and acknowledge their irreplaceable imprints on my being and how they each played their part in who I am.
My next book, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Treatment of Trauma, Dr. Bessel van der Kolk transforms our understanding of traumatic stress, revealing how it literally rearranges the brain’s wiring- specifically areas dedicated to pleasure, engagement, control, and trust. I think we often get caught up in our heads and yet our bodies hold so much truth and understanding of ourself. Feeling the grief differently is a mystery and yet makes sense to me at the same time. I want to learn more.
I am learning about a resilience we can all cultivate. I am living and feeling the sadness, but also knowing that all of it- the drama, grief, love, loss, pain and joy, make up this beautiful life.
GRIEF CAN BE ITS OWN
UNWANTED
BUT DARKLY BEAUTIFUL CURE
…and then I felt the raw presence
of stone and I looked at the grass
laid down by the wind and I stood
beneath the passing mountain sky
seeing the clear view across the lake
below and felt as if I stood both alone
and entire and yet together
with everything looking back to find
my outlined mountain silhouette,
as if the world were held in place
as much by loss as any precious gain,
and that even after this goodbye
my memories were all still true,and that all the horizons
of the world still held their hidden,
and unspoken promise, and above all,
that grief can be its own
unwanted
but darkly beautiful cure;
that the deepest pain
can be a long way to somewhere after all,
and of all things, even living on
beyond our loved ones,
that hardly beating, whispering
broken, but listening heart,
the one to serve us best.
…
GLENTRASNA
Excerpted and Revised
March 2017
In PILGRIM. Poems by David Whyte
Tribe Perks
We have completed the last of our in house training for Tribe members- all made possible from Bounce’s generous donation last year.
What Really Matters?
“You are a wonderful manifestation. The whole universe has come together to make your existence
possible.” (Thich Nhat Hahn)
Pause for a moment and notice your reaction to Thich Nhat Hahn’s words. How do you feel?
Puzzled? Uplifted? Pressured? Challenged? Hopeful? Happy? Non-plussed? When I first read
these words they really startled me For a start, although I’m lucky to have very encouraging and
caring people around me, I don’t think I’ve ever been celebrated as a “wonderful manifestation”
before. As I’ve gone back to these words there were times when I’ve felt like there’s too big a
responsibility in them, times when I’ve been uncomfortable with believing that the universe aligned
to make me, well, me and times when I thought ‘hey, why not?’. I’ve also found that the longer I
stay with these words the more I find peace and strength in them.
I’ve also been finding myself wondering what my day would be like if I was surrounded by bus ads,
radio broadcasts, newspaper front pages, billboards, straight-to- my-inbox deals and online banner
adverts speaking this language instead of the competitive, alarmist language which saturates our
culture just now. The constant flurries of ‘latest offers’, ‘best ever deals’ and ‘unmissable savings’
can overwhelm me sometimes. I am tired of being asked if I’m on the cheapest tarrif, which
broadband provider I’m with, if I have the app for that, if I’d like 50% off (but only for the next 24hrs)
and whether or not I want to improve my credit rating. The underlying message that I’m being
ripped off, missing out or stupidly passing on an upgrade everyone else is taking leaves me far from
feeling like a ‘wonderful manifestation’.
That’s where Thich Nhat Hanh comes in. When nominating him for the Nobel Peace Prize, Martin
Luther King Jnr stated that awarding the honour to “this gentle Buddhist monk” would “reawaken in
men the teaching of beauty and love found in peace.” For me, finding him, and others, who know,
and have taken time to share, the value of stillness, compassion and inner peace has given me a
‘pause’ button: a way to step back from the noisy, consumerist, competitive voices which can
dominate and connect into being and breathing and that being enough. And, when I say ‘that being
enough’, I mean that it’s enough to see that actually although I can feel that there’s always more to
do or too much left undone I can just stop and be, though I can struggle and hurt I am part of a
whole humanity which struggles and hurts and, ultimately, although I’m imperfect, I’m perfect too.
I’ve come to find that in each day there are plenty of voices and examples of compassion,
mindfulness and authentic happiness which offer a different set of priorities, a different way of
relating to others and a different way of being. Often, too, I need to remind myself that these ways
of relating and being are being lived out by people (sometimes even me!) and communities
(sometimes even my own!) in the here and now. They exist in our world and when we choose to we
can connect into them. This can be in small ways: I can leave my phone at home and go to the park;
I can listen deeply to what people want to say instead of hurrying a conversation along; I can always
come back to the in and the out, the in and the out, the in and the out of my breath. It can be in
bigger ways too: through in the values we live out in our family life and significant relationships;
through community projects and local (or global) activism; or through leading change at an
organisational level in the work that we do. The choice is mine and ours – we are all “wonderful
manifestations”.
If what I’m writing about here resonates with you, or even has just sparked your curiosity a little, I’d
invite you to be part of the Exploring What Matters course. We’ll be meeting from 10am-12pm on
eight Saturdays from the 22 nd April at Tribe Porty to explore what really matters for a happy,
meaningful life. The course has been created by Action for Happiness and is run by local volunteers
(like me) who want to see positive change in their communities. It draws on the latest research into
happiness and wellbeing, is focused on practical ways for you to make the difference you want to
make and is open to all. We’d love for you to join us.
To join click here
Keep in touch: www.facebook.com/happyporty2017
Find out more: happyporty@gmail.com
Exploring What Matters
We’re excited to be bringing the Exploring What Matters course to Tribe Porty. Starting in April, the
course has already boosted the happiness and wellbeing of people across the UK and beyond,
offering them a chance to tune into expert points of view, reflect on what’s important to them,
discuss with likeminded individuals and plan for positive action in their own lives. The course has
been created by Action for Happiness, a movement working for a happier, more caring world and is
run in communities by volunteer facilitators – like us! For Mairi and I, running this course is about
sharing ideas that have made a difference to the way we live our lives and learning from the
perspectives and experiences of the people who choose to join us.
One of the things which I really like about for Action for Happiness is the richness of their idea of
happiness. It’s not about achieving a state of constant, unwavering upbeat emotions beamed out to
the world through a permanent smile on your face or being always at the ready to hug the next
person you meet. Rather, Action for Happiness are about the kind of happiness which blends
together compassion, stillness, connection, resilience and perspective to know that you are good,
can feel good and can do good. They are about having the practices and insights to be honest with
ourself about where we’re at emotionally, coupled with the awareness and confidence to know how
to move forward in the direction you want to travel. It’s also an understanding of happiness which
sees the pursuit of happiness as more than an individual’s quest to find personal fulfillment. It’s
about the way that finding our own happiness creates ripples of happiness which then reach out
through your family, your workplace and your community. It’s about the way that my happiness is
interdependent on your happiness.
Having said all this, it’s also important to say that this is a course which asks lots of important
questions but isn’t about giving you answers. By joining us on a Saturday morning you’ll be giving
yourself the time and space to work out and work on what matters most to you. The course
examines what success really is, how to find happiness at work and in relationships as well as how to
make a positive difference in our community. The lived experiences of those of us in the room will
work alongside the insights of the latest research into happiness and wellbeing to give each of us a
foundation on which to build our own version of ‘the good life’.
So, join us! Whether you’re aiming to make a change, want to be the change or are just curious to
know more, we’ll enjoy the opportunity to explore what matters most.
Starting 22nd April, 10am-12noon at Tribe Porty. (8weeks)
https://www.facebook.com/events/147285292437419/
https://tribeporty.org/event/exploring-what-matters/?instance_id=41976#sthash.u8NDpods.dpbs
Practical Support for New Parents
Are you a new parent? Or about to be? And not a lot of family support around?
Did you know that Portobello Timebank is full of people who really want to help? Now before you turn off and think ‘That’s not for me – I’m perfectly capable of figuring out how to look after a new baby!” please consider that it takes approximately 16+ hours a day to look after a baby. So how are you going to fit all that in? And if you have a partner, expecting them to make up the shortfall isn’t really an option – even two people often don’t have enough time or resources to do all the extra work that it takes to look after a small baby.
The expectation that you will be able to cope by yourselves is an issue that can lead to postnatal mental health issues in some families, since you are just not physically able to meet your expectations when you have to look after a baby too. That can be really stressful and lead to a massive amount of mental pressure you just don’t need. A quick straw poll of mums with older kids will show that many of them talk about the ‘angels’ who came and helped out with little tasks and jobs around the house, or even just cooked meals.
Timebank has volunteers who carry out a range of services, tailored exactly to your needs, including cooking, cleaning, gardening and shopping. If you need to have some meals cooked to fill your freezer with nutritious food, or if your garden is a state and you just don’t have time to tackle it, or you just don’t have time to design those lovely thank you cards with your baby’s picture on, there will be a volunteer who can help. We all know that new parents are not in a place to be able to reciprocate, and one of the beauties of Timebank is that you can help when you are able, not necessarily in a fixed time frame.
If you could do with a hand, and would like to find out more, please do get in touch with Kirsty Carver at Timebank: portobello@edinburghtimebank.org.uk
She is full of the joys of how wonderful it can be to have someone come and help when you have a new baby, as she and her family benefitted from Timebank volunteers themselves. Please don’t ‘go it alone’ as a new parent – there will be plenty of opportunities for that – but right now the greatest gift you can give yourself and your family is Timebank.
Meet Kirsty Carver, and Sarah Wheatley, who runs Birth and Beyond and is the author of this lovely piece, at the Family Festival which happens on the 28th January at 10am-12noon, along with 20 other family supporters, who run classes for babies and parents, be it yoga, music, massage or other wellness and practical advice.
T'is The Season To Get Crafty
I don’t know about you, but I love the winter months in the way that it’s dark outside, it is lovely and warm inside, and once you have made the most of the few daylight hours you settle down to something crafty, be it to prepare Christmas presents for friends and family, or simply to keep your hands busy and away from the chocolate tin…
Alongside a glass of wine and some good tunes, I personally like a bit of decoupage, card-making and creating cosmetics using lavender which I harvested a few months back, or using berries to make jam, and baking…the list is long! But, I also like when making, crafting and creating turns social. Nothing is more fun than an evening with friends chatting, as well as being productive and creating something beautiful.
Well, if you are a bit like me, here is one suggestion for the next month – join us in the evening of the 10th December and learn to make a beautiful, festive wreath for your home. All materials for the wreath will be provided and there will be a glass of fizz and festive nibbles to sustain you. Doesn’t that just sound fabulous?
Hedgerow is an event florist business run by Rachael Scott. The majority of her work is for weddings however she also arranges flowers for parties, businesses and does local delivery. Rachael has a loose, lush, naturalistic style and loves collaborating with her clients to create unique flowers for their events. She aim to use British grown flowers and foliage whenever possible in her arrangements.
Rachael and her family have recently moved to Portobello and she works from a studio at our house. Rachael is currently planting up a cutting garden for next season and she is planning to run more workshops from home as the garden establishes itself.
We are lucky to have her run this Wreath-making workshop at Tribe Porty on the 10th December, so come along, bring a friend and get crafty!
Please email hedgerowflorist@gmail.com to reserve a place on the workshop.
About Hedgerow:
Social media links:
Website: www.hedgerowflorist.com
Instagram: www.instagram.com/hedgerow/
Facebook: www.facebook.com/hedgerowflorist
A LIGHT FOR ALEPPO, A LIGHT FOR ALL
It takes a village to raise a child
Portobello is very popular with families, understandably: sandy beaches, lovely and bright, child-friendly seaside cafes, coastal views and and great walks along the prom make it a fantastic place for raising children and growing a family. A local place with an incredibly strong community behind it.
And then there is Tribe Porty: a social enterprise hub for creative events and community co-working in the heart of Portobello.
Part of Tribe Porty is Tribe Family, which is a collective of professionals who offer a range of antenatal and postnatal support as well as classes and events for parents, babies and young children. Tribe Family consists of Birth and Beyond, The Daisy Foundation Edinburgh, Physical Health & Personal Training, Portobello Music School and Tribe Porty Youth Theatre. Our regular classes are open to everyone and there is more information on www.tribeporty.org.
Whether it is fitness you are after, time to focus on yourself in the company of your baby, or you are simply after some relaxation time, to tune into your body – before or after birth, Tribe Family is here for you, each of the instructors and facilitators will welcome you with open arms, a smile and a listening ear. They will guide you through tough patches, lead you with their expertise and introduce you to other like-minded people. All our teachers have family of their own and know what raising children is like – all aspects of it!
Tribe Family is also here to explore creativity for you and your baby/toddler, with the drama and music classes on offer. Sometimes just getting out of the house and meeting other parents and their little ones is all it takes!
You will enjoy the lovely and welcoming, friendly environment that greets you as you walk through that yellow door.
If you don’t manage to stick your nose in and say hi before then, put the 28th January 2017 into your diary: we will hold an Open Day, a Tribe Family Festival, between 10 and 12noon, where you can meet all the organisations in the area, our teachers, instructors, that support young families in the area – come along for free tasters, demos and talks!
We’d love you to come, as we enjoy seeing the Tribe Family grow!
You are stronger than you think
A few months ago, this very zen yoga guy steps into TribePorty: Over a cup of green tea he tells us about how he recently moved to Portobello with his family, how much he loves the seaside, how he has been involved in setting up successful yoga businesses, how yoga has transformed his life from being a stressed out IT guy to being the man he is today, and that he is keen to enrich our community with his Early Morning Yoga classes!
With good yoga vibes and healthy wisdom speaking from deep within his soul, of course we said yes!
Some of you might have met him at our Yoga Taster Morning a few weeks ago, and if you had a chance to join in with his Yoga Taster session and had a taste of the flapjacks he made for the day, you will agree!
Yes, you might have to be BRAVER than others to step out of your comfort zone (your bed) as early in the morning as 6.30am on a Wednesday, and come to TribePorty on 19 Windsor Place, Portobello.
However, Mark will welcome you to stretch and strengthen, and to find balance in your busy life. You will be STRONGER and healthier for it – he is the walking proof!
Starting your day with yoga is way SMARTER than switching your smart phone on and scrolling through social media and news before you even get out of bed.
You will be ready for your day, take on any task that life throws at you, it will let you deal with your job, your family, your life, in a much more chilled out way!
You can do it! You will not regret getting up for Mark’s yoga session – he is so kind, he even bends over backwards for you! And do you know what the coolest thing is about him? He is not even on social media. Respect!
Find out more about Mark and his classes here! First class is free – See you on the 2nd November!
On the 10th November, we also have Lokeshvarii starting Thursday evening Kundalini Yoga classes at TribePorty, which we are also very excited about.
We do like to promote and support our Yoga teachers on Yogatrail, where you can keep in touch with your favourite teacher and their classes, as well as TribePorty and the classes that we provide here!
Find below all the other classes we offer at TribePorty! See you on the mat some time soon!
Autumnal Struggles
The days are getting shorter, the heating is coming on with the cooling weather, energy levels are low, there are not enough hours in the day and everything simply seems too much.
Are you with me? During the summer months, I feel I have so much energy, spending lots of time outside, soaking up the sun, enjoying the smell of summer skin and even the scent that summer rain leaves behind. Living is easy in the summer. We get a chance to store up on Vitamin D, the days are light late into the evening, but all this is coming to an end, and I feel like going into hibernation,and shut down for the winter, like some mammals do, and also trees…I feel sad and depressed to be entering the long months of winter. In Scotland.
Getting up is a struggle and I want to go to bed even before the children’s bedtime, battling with the constant tiredness, I am endlessly cold, numb and in terrible moods, which aren’t helped by the female monthly cycle.
There is so much to do, so many things that need sorting out, organised and communicated, but I can’t find the energy to even be nice to my children or partner.
To the outside world I pretend all is OK, I don’t want people to worry or think I am down. On the contrary, I am a pleaser, I prioritise others, put on a smile and bend over backwards for friends, hiding any angst-y feelings or stresses. The famous British stiff upper lip…
What I am totally ignoring is the fact that what I actually need is some self-care, some nurturing moments and time to myself, some candle light. What I really need is some conscious awareness of how I really feel, accept where my strengths and weaknesses lie and not deny myself those feelings.
I will take some time for myself, and commit to Dawn’s 6 week Mindful Life Workshop, starting on the 4th October. I am hoping she will help me find the energy that is hidden inside me, and show me strategies of how I can bring balance and relaxation into my everyday life. Will you come and join me?
-Anonymous
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